Today I am remembering the old days when I used to scratch out what I wrote because I didn’t think it would be acceptable by others. Write, scratch, write more “carefully”. It’s weird how we don’t realize that our life is very controlled by all of this crap. Crap also known as Expectations. Some put on by others and some, ourselves. Crap! No one was telling me to erase my words when I cut them out. It was me. I wanted to get rid of them because they were simply not sounding as awesome as I thought, or just not good enough to be presented in front of others. Today, I write so carelessly. I say everything I have to, even including the fact that I don’t know what to write. This freedom on a piece of paper is somehow freeing. I don’t have to hold onto any thought anymore. On this piece of paper I can just be me. A blank slate presenting itself to me, telling me that I can simply be who I am and say exactly how I feel. I love this feeling of being accepted.
I was journalling last night. I discovered a lot of things about myself. Of how I shouldn’t let what’s gone get in the way of how I am feeling or where I am going. That time is gone and has become non-existant, simply because it is not here. It doesn’t exist today, nor will it exist tomorrow. It has simply disappeared now. Only this moment is what’s left right now. The mind does pull back into the past though. But I have to just keep reminding it that the time I am thinking about is just not here anymore. I have to let go of the shackles of what’s gone and live like a fresh new person. Like someone who just came into this world.
I was still thinking about jobs and stuff. I realized I haven’t gone back to the practice of writing things that make me smile at work. When I did that, I deviated my attention to having a good day rather than my job itself. I loved my job at that time, yes, and I don’t love it today, yes. But did I love it because I didn’t think about it so much and thought about others things, or simply because that was what I was meant to do? I think not focusing on your work all the time does deviate your attention a bit. Thinking about your job, whether you like it or not, all the time, does make it the master-focus of your life. And it really shouldn’t be the focus. Your focus should be you. Your smiles. Your life. Your laughter. Nothing else. BUT when you really don’t like something and you have to deal with it all day every day, it does dull you down a lot because that’s really all you can think about all day. It takes a lot of head space, leaving absolutely no space for anything else. So how can I deviate my mind from this crap without changing my job? I don’t feel like it’s completely possible, but maybe partially. Yes, I can still write about what makes me smile everyday at work. Yes, I can write about what made my day today – the fruit explosion muffin to be exact. Somehow when I say that, everything else seems to disappear. I feel like I had a good day. I ate a good muffin and a sandwich so I am not even hungry for lunch and have been able to take out time for writing, what a good day. When I try to conclude that, my mind sort of goes into a mess. Perhaps it’s trying to say, “Wait, no. This, this and this.” Is it worried that I will change the way I think about my days? Why is it worried? Is it too comfortable with the complaining every day? Perhaps there is a different reason. This is not where I am meant to be. I need to be somewhere I can grow and quite honestly I have realized that it isn’t here. But just because you are where you are not meant to be doesn’t mean you should leave that place immediately. Make a good plan of how to leave and do it in a way that benefits your life.
Whenever I want to write, things just pour out. Sometimes I don’t even know what to write or if I have anything to talk about at all but everything just pours out. Gone are the days when I used to think so hard about what to write. There’s so much on my head that taking it out in an organized manner is quite a challenge. I am sleepy now. I want to lay down in the park and rest for a while. I think I should do that now.