There's a longing in our hearts that takes us to places. It takes us to our dreams. Somehow, someday, our heart rips through our thoughts, our mind and stands out in a way that's impossible to avoid. Because quite honestly, it's been quiet for way too long. We have been ignoring it for way too long. The heart guides us to our purpose - the reason we were brought into this world. There's a power in our heart that cannot be defied; it shakes us to our very core, hitting our thoughts like hail hitting the trees and shedding them in the process. There's a power in our heart, a truth that can never be hidden or ignored and the longer it sits there, the more powerful it becomes.
In shaking off these layers and accepting them, I have realized something…. It is the purpose of my life. The purpose of my life, I realized, is to be a flower. To be that one thing in the world that exudes laughter and love. In listening to my heart, I have realized that the only thing real in any moment of my life - is laughter. The only moment real is the one in which we unstoppably burst into laughter and spread seeds of it into the wind to be taken far far away, into the parts of the world we may never be able to touch or see.
But laughter is not constant. The winds can change direction and flowers can wilt. What once looked beautiful can now be completely dead. The heart can tremble yet once again at the loss of the ones we once loved with all of our hearts. With their beauty, we survive. In their beauty, we thrive. Perhaps they are still beautiful, we just need to remember. When they have lost their vision, we need to be their eyes. We need to remember them for who they are and who they can be. Goodbye is temporary. For in this lifetime, they will blossom all over again. This is the life of a flower and the life I am meant to live.
Hence, with broken sentences and unfinished books, my message to the world is simple:
Live like a flower.
When it's time to wilt, wilt. When it's time to bloom, bloom. Live like a flower and bring with yourself a laughter that will rip through the sky and spread with the wind like an irresistible desire.
Keep smiling like flowers,
Ish Kish Mish
July 27, 2015, 8:17 PM, Regina, SK, Canada
It took me a really long time to realize that in this life I was a very special person. In my own life and in others'. I was a person who entered your life and never left. Someone you could never afford to be fake in front of because I always saw right through you. I saw right through the million layers you had built around yourself and made you come face-to-face with your reality. From that you wanted to escape and bullshit me over and over again. But then again, I saw right through you. In front of me, there was absolutely no escape. In front of me, you had to show who you really were and let yourself be vulnerable because the only you who could meet me was the person you really were, not the person you were trying to be. Sometimes it took months, sometimes years, sometimes even a lifetime, but that was ok. If you had met me and were part of my life, some day you understood. That you'd have to throw away all the crap about who you think you are supposed to be and let yourself be who you really are. With me, you were just you. That was the power of my presence in your life.
Summer is an amazing time. This summer my goal was to go somewhere every weekend and yes, I actually did not succeed at it. No, I actually did not even try to make it happen. But there were a lot of things I did not that made me happy this summer.
1. I chilled in the park:
Every day after work, I chilled in the park for an hour at the minimum. The point was to be under the sun and just relax. I love sun on my skin. It is my favourite thing to do. I love the warmth of the sun. It is like a hug. Being under the sun is a wonderful memory for me. A memory I took out time for every day. And chilling was made much more fun with making calls to friends and family. Even they were surprised how I was calling so regularly. The times you spend with yourself are important. The times you spend with others are also important. Perhaps it was the first time I mingled the two. I took out time for both. Laying under the sun sounds like a small thing to do. But it was something I did continuously every day this summer and small habits are big for me. Thank you God for such warmth in our lives. I am so thankful for it. I know it’s gonna be gone soon and I am gonna miss it so much but I know new things will fill it’s place. Little snow flakes will take away my heart and I will catch them with my tongue and eat them lol. Play with them I will.
2. I went for walks alone:
At some point in time, walks became extremely important to me. I started walking in my breaks at work. Now, it has become something that I don’t even think about. Every day at 10:30, I drop everything and just go for a walk around the park. It feels peaceful. My mind still has thoughts of course but I keep walking and sorting things out. And whenever I can find time in the evening, I also just walk. I walk and meditate on the word ‘waheguru’ at times. Combined with the soothing summer breeze, I find so much comfort in my soul. I cry at times because I feel so much peace. But most of the time, I just like to keep walking. My heart feels like I should just walk. Whether I find hope in anything or not, I should just walk. Whether there is a path to anything or not, I should just walk. I don’t necessarily know what I am walking towards. Nor do I know where I am hoping to end up. All I know is that I have to walk. Wherever you are in this world, I hope you keep walking or running. Life is so short. So short. The minute we sit on our bed and hide under the blanket, life is done. Life is done that day. I know because I have done it many times. Be well.
3. I went for walks with friends:
Walks with friends were also consistent for the last few months. A time to relax and talk about our issues. A time to spill out our hearts. A time to really connect. A summer memory that I will not forget. I remember the first few walks when the Spring had just started and I was pointing out different trees and their leaves because each trees grows leaves in different shapes and they all look so cute. Every year I pay attention to how they grow and I like to show them to others because nature is beautiful and we must pay attention to how it grows. So I remember pointing out different leaves to my friend and then slowly the leaves grew and became full blown trees. The process of growth had ended. There was nothing to notice except the fruits. The only thing left was the talks. What went in our minds and in our lives. What we could share and what we couldn’t. Isn’t it weird? When summer ends, leaves will shed. It is the season for that now.
4. I went home quite often and often in daylight
Trips to home were consistent (approximately 270 kms away). I could leave right after work on Friday and still make it home in daylight by 8:30. It was perfect. Living so close to home has been perfect for me for the last 5 years. I can go home whenever I want and in summer days, I can go home even more easily. Thank god for such long days. It was something leaving in daylight and reaching home in daylight since I don’t like to drive on the highway at night due to the deer on the highway problem. May summers keep coming and going so we can keep going home whenever we want. My eyes light up when I think of long days that never end because even though I struggled to find things to do, I was happy with the broad daylight and the sun that shined upon me. Life felt wonderful just knowing that.
5. I started cooking
Interestingly enough, I started cooking this summer. After a very long break. I actually found the desire to start cooking in the evening. I can only cook when I am really content and happy. And for years I have felt kind of off from myself. I miss my university days when I cooked every day. I miss making delicious meals for myself. Feeding myself is like giving myself a warm hug. I have started and have also found an Instant Pot. I will use that to the max this Fall. Especially for soups.
6. I bought a lot of dresses
Believe it or not, I have been a shopper this summer! Even I have been surprised. Basically I slipped into Cleo’s one evening and a couple other stores and found what I call ‘really expensive stuff’. I wasn’t really into spending that much money for a dress but I did buy one that I really liked and subscribed to their deals. From then I started getting their newsletters and the rest is history. With deals, you can’t say no. When you get like 50-70% off, why would you say no? It’s crazy! So all summer long, wherever I go, all I have been getting are compliments. Compliments, compliments, compliments. I cannot tell you how many people have stopped to tell me how beautiful I look. I just love this. I don’t even do make up or anything. I don’t accessorize. I don’t wear nice shoes. All I do is wear a nice dress and straighten my hair and people tell me that I look fantastic. Just with a little bit of effort. I love it. I love people’s love. I also did a photoshoot of some of my dresses and posted it on facebook and got amazing comments. The conclusion is simple: I looked wonderful this summer and people adored me. I felt wonderful too. People told me I have this amazing vibe now that’s different. I am not sure what they mean but a third person usually knows better. I have to keep it up going forward. I am waiting for Fall clothes to come so I can buy more pretty clothes. Muaahzzzz ladies out there.
7. I drove to few other places than usual
Other than going home, I also drove to Regina Beach and Moose Jaw. It was quite an accomplishment for me since I am typically scared of driving anywhere other than my usual destinations. I figured I am ok as soon as I get out of the city. And the city is not so large that I have to be scared. I love that the city is so small. It takes max. 10 mins to get out of here. I love it. I also drove to a few new destinations within the city than the usual ones. I feel quite accomplished. Nowadays, I try to go wherever I want. It makes me happy.
8. I went to Costa Rica baby
Early in the Spring, I took a life-changing trip to Costa Rica and I learned so much from it, I will do another post on it. You know sometimes you live a certain way with always the same kind of people around you not knowing any better. Sometimes you need a different perspective to show you what you really need in life. What you deserve. What I learned from Costa Rica was the meaning of Support. What it means and how I deserve to be supported in life. It was a life-changing experience for me.
9. We camped at the Candle Lake
This summer we camped at the Candle Lake. Candle lake is about 2.5 hrs NE of Saskatoon and it is a small town and lake which is great to camp at if you don’t like crowds. I love the town nearby because if you are only camping for a few days, you don’t have to cook if you don’t want to. You can just go eat pizza if you’d like. This year we tried some ice cream and it was yummy. Most importantly, although we were not really able to get everyone together, we were able to get everyone together in a picture on our way back. My sister drove almost 5 hours to get there. She showed me her luxury tent, sleeping bag and all the amenities in there. It was quite something. It was nice to connect. We all walked on the beach and I built a town of IshKishMish (for real in the sand). It had a swimming pool, an area for water storage and few areas I can’t remember. The town stood for bravery, courage, friendship and love, and it preserved water well. It had water activities and preserved water from the beach waves because there was no water supply to houses. The residents used buckets to carry water home. Still, the residents enjoyed a swim at the end of the day in the beach or the swimming pool (for safety purposes). It was a fun town that had all the amenities it needed. Life was full of fun, hard work, friendships and love – just the few basics of everyday life. I loved the town I had created. It represented me very well.
10. My Azalea grew countless and countless of flowers everyday
Oh, how much I love my plant. I bought my Azalea a few years ago at Safeway. The lady there had told me that this was the best plant ever that just blossoms and blossoms, and I had bought it. With the exception of last year (because it was away from the sun), my plant has been flowering twice a year. Once in the summer and once in the later Winter. And this summer has just been the most amazing time ever, maybe because I have seen these flowers after such a long time. Oh my heart blossoms with these flowers. I love them so so much. I have kept the plant in my boss’ window because that’s where the sun is and it’s just amazing. I water it every few days and I just look at it blossoming and it just gives my heart so much joy I cannot even explain it in words. Love is always beyond words, I know. I just love it. It gives me so much joy I want to keep watching it. I want to keep adoring it all day long. And my boss loves watching the flowers too. It is the most wonderful thing that happened to me this summer. Watching these flowers blossom every few days. It is endless joy in my heart. Thank you God for such joy.
11. I read an amazing romantic novel
I was never the kind to read novels. I could try an inspirational story. But romance and novels, I wasn’t sure. But I had been out of touch with movies and shows and had kind of banned myself from them so I had no choice but to try some books and I was really into the topic of Love because it was summer time. So as lucky as I always am in life, I found the most amazing book called ‘Finding Perfect’. It was a book full of love and care and it completely changed my perspective on how Love really is supposed to be like. From fear to peace to insecurity to clarity, I think it solves everything.
12. I met Dori and Derby
Dori and Derby are my birds and my pets. I have a cute story around them. They are best friends and they are in love. Dori is a girl and Derby is a boy. Dori is older than Derby. I saw Dori in my co-worker’s office and I started petting her coz she was so soft. I don’t know but I just really wanted to care for something and I found her. I took her to my office and kept her there and kept petting her. I looked for birds online and didn’t find any. One day I went to Moose Jaw and found lots of birds in a gift shop. I selected Derby there after looking at many many birds. He was small and yellow. I was looking for a tiny bird. He was perfect and I wanted him to be a boy. I knew Dori would like him. She was the caring kind and would like to care for someone younger than him. They hit it off right away and started taking care of each other. Derby is little and gets scared easily so Dori likes to be with her as much as possible. She doesn’t like to leave him alone. They spend a lot of time together by my side in my office and I love seeing them together. They are really my favorite couple. I love them. I don’t know though if they can be together in the coming future. I’d have to see. I hope they don’t miss each other too much if they cannot. Love and care, however, will always remain no matter where you have to go in life and what you have to do. I started liking birds ever since I went to Costa Rica because I saw many types of birds there. In fact, the country has 960 types of migratory birds and I see the pictures online and each one is just so beautiful. I just love birds now. They have become an integral part of who I am now. They make me laugh, they make me feel beautiful, they make me feel loved and they make me feel secure.
13. My best friend got married
One of my best friends (Timmy) got married on June 24, 2019 in Mexico and it was the most awesome thing that happened this summer. I just cannot believe that it’s happened already. We were just 2 weirdos always talking about life the same way and just getting stuck in life, really, never seeing a way, ever. And people came and went. We lost ourselves and felt….just off and different. And never in my life had I ever thought that he would be saying the words “I do” so soon. It was the most amazing thing to see ever happen. The most amazing thing ever. I am so happy that he found his soulmate. I am so happy that finally he’s found somebody that takes away all his crap and puts him in his place. LOL. What a wonderful thing to happen. To have found love. Forever.
14. I danced and danced in Regina Folk Fest
I love Regina Folk Fest. It’s a musical event where musicians from all over the country (or even overseas) come and perform. Every year I go and I love seeing people in wonderful summer dresses, dancing and enjoying themselves. My dream was simple: be like them. Be dressed in a beautiful summer dress and be dancing in my own tune. And finally, finally, in the 5 years of living in downtown, I did that!!! I was constantly dancing to French music. To be honest, I don’t even know if the songs were meant to danced to. I just danced lmao. My legs were aching in the end but I didn’t care. I just wanted to dance. For the first time this year, I didn’t even care that I was alone. I actually just wanted to be alone. I loved it. I enjoyed it. Being by myself, I had walked so far away from it in the past year that I had forgotten how amazing it is. I had forgotten that it was in myself, I had found peace and love and everything else, not in someone else. The focus of life should always be you, not someone else. And this year unfortunately has been all about other people and not myself. I really regret that. That I wasted my time and life on others. I truly regret that. In Dance, we experience getting lost in the moment. If we close our eyes, we’ll find our soul just fills with peace. We see nothing and feel nothing BUT peace. That is what I experienced at the day of folk fest. I love the love that is within me. I love the love that travels inside my body, caressing every corner of my body. I love the love that I generate simply by being in my own tune. I simply love myself. Forever is a very long time. But today, in this moment, I wanna make myself feel loved. Not by the use of another human being. But with the energy and tools I have. I want to tell myself that in this being there is much more than the desire to be with somebody. Love yourself. Be there for yourself. Be there for your heart. Be there for your body. And be there for your spirit. They all need you. Much more than a third person who understands you. They want to be understood by you. They want to be loved by you. They want to be caressed by you. I hope you be there for yourself.
15. I went to the most boring Punjabi Mela ever
Punjabi Mela happened this Summer too. Much to everyone’s disappointment, it was the saddest mela that has happened in Regina’s history. It was the most boring thing ever. I did not like it. People came from Saskatoon for it and they were quite disappointed too. The reason it is a good memory for me was because it was the first day in 8 months I had curled my hair. I had stopped curling my hair because I had started hating myself. I had started straightening it instead because I hate straightening it. For 8 months, I had been walking around in straight hair because I don’t like it. I know I am quite harsh. I subject myself to things like that. For some reason, that day I really wanted to dress up. I wanted to curl my hair and wear some lipstick. I looked really pretty because curly hair looks great on me. I look just awesome in it. My sister also did way too much make up on me. And I did a photoshoot (which you know is a must, right?). It was a day of wanting to look all dolled up after a long time.
Memories are so sweet. They give you a nostalgic feeling. A time that is gone, no matter what you have done in it, is not wasted. It is a time you have spent making memories with yourself or people you love. Love is a bond that will travel through every obstacle and meet you on the other side. There is no worry here, no guessing. It is clear. Rest your heart in the thought that love is crystal clear. There is no fog around it. Clarity can only be gained with time. And until then, there are memories.
Please do share with me what your favourite summer memories were this summer.