It’s April 14, 2018 today. It’s also Baisakhi. The day Khalsa was formed. When we were young, we would go to the temple at 5am and take a bath in the holy waters of the sarovar. In Canada, there are no temples with a sarovar. Even if they existed, it would probably be frozen at this time and taking bath in it would be like taking bath at the sarovar in Hemkunt Sahib. LOL! Cold and frozen. By April, usually the temperatures really warm up in India so it’s not that bad. The only issue with me is that ritual of going to a temple so early in the morning and taking a bath cannot be replaced with anything in my current life. That’s why so many things leave a void. Because we haven’t been able to replace them with anything else in foreign countries. India is irreplaceable, I think. People want to get out of there really badly though mostly because of unemployment and many other social factors, but what is also true is that India is not replaceable. By any other country. The people, good and bad, can not be found anywhere else.
These days I am feeling like I need to travel India. I need to find out what it’s really about. I need to plan a 1 year backpacking trip to India and experience every part of it. I don’t think it’s a safe choice but I have seen many young women travel alone to many developing countries. Anything can happen when you are alone I guess but I am trying more to focus on my dream than the hurdles.
I have lost my curiosity. A lot of things have happened in life but I was always curious about something. Work, education, travel, something. The issue is that I am no longer curious about anything. Being curious seems like a lot of work. Work that I do not have energy for. But I do know from experience that even when you feel tired, it’s actually doing something that makes you feel accomplished and gives you energy to do something more. You have to break the cycle of energylessness yourself. If I am at least writing, then I know I am doing something good. Because it means I am doing something other than work alone. Writing is a relaxing activity for me. If there is one thing I wish for myself for my entire life that is that may I never stop writing. Writing is how I breathe through life. It is the space between the tasks of my everyday life.
Something has changed in me over the past year. I have started talking to people. I seriously and sincerely want to get to know others. While my curiousity has died in many other aspects, I have definitely become curious about people. How they are living, what they are going through, what they are eating, what they are wearing, just anything. I want to know more about others and socialize with them. That is pretty ground-breaking in my life because I have always been a shy and anti-social person. The thought of having to talk with others always scared the hell out of me. I always kept my conversations short with others because I knew they would rotate in my head all day. When people asked me how I was, I always told them “good” just to keep it short and sweet. When people asked me what my plans were, I always told them “none”. I didn’t have the patience to explain how I was or what I was going to do on the weekend. Some of that still continues today but now I have caught the new bug of talking to humans LOL! It’s actually quite nice. Life feels light when you have people to share it with. I have seen the extent of being alone and have found happiness in it by myself. Now it’s time to explore the extent of having people around and discovering what it has to offer in life. I am no longer as scared to talk to others as I used to be. There is still some fear but I am sure it will go away with time. It looks like I am actually really good with conversations, it’s the introducing myself to someone part that I hesitate with. Saying the first hello or just asking someone their name. The small and simple things are big for me. And I know I am not alone. There’s many many people out their fearing the same things as me for probably different reasons than me. But we are all just going through it for now. I think just like we had experiences in life that made us fearful of talking to others, we’ll have experiences that will help us break through that wall. Life presents us everything. At moments it protects us from people and at moments it exposes us to them. It’s all good because there is a lesson in everything.
I am amazed by how easy it is to just talk with others. One topic leads to another and then another. It is just very interesting. The chain of thoughts that go through your head can simply be shared with someone else. That is new to me because I don’t share much with many people even though I have a very public blog. With private things I am still private and keep most things to myself. Some things I don’t even like sharing with my diary. Especially things and people that hurt me. I feel they should not be mentioned anywhere. If they are not present in any real form anywhere perhaps they will no longer hurt me. That’s usually not what it does but sometimes you just have to keep things in your heart rather than out there. I don’t know but it just feels safer in here than anywhere else. People are not trustworthy in my opinion so sharing anything with them can be problematic. I guess I just don’t trust anyone with anything. But I have experimented with certain things and have sort of come to this conclusion: if it helps your mind to share something with others, do it. Gain the benefit of sharing your heart with somebody. But if they turn around and misuse that information, don’t share anything with them again. But at least give them one chance, that’s all.
Overall, Life has been going good you guys. 2018 is thankfully turning out to be much better than last year. I am quite relaxed. I still haven’t made plans to travel anywhere. In fact, I am quite lazy in that aspect. I don’t want anything to do with anything. Just want to do enough to be alive that’s all. No more than that. I know this is also just a phase. I am gonna have to break it somehow. Perhaps by booking a trip to somewhere? I don’t know but the new life is supposed to begin sometime this year. I am supposed to find a place to live, a car, a guy to date (;)), go on an amazing trip and gain a completely new perspective to life. I know for sure that I won’t get that perspective sitting at home. I will have to introduce new experiences in my life. My one year trip to India is a dream that I also need to plan for. I am glad that travel is not completely gone from my life, at least the dreams are there. If dreams are there, they will happen one day. They have to. I need to live in ways that helps me accomplish my dreams. Everything else can wait. Life is as long as it is short. I hope you all live it to its best.
Ish Kish Mish