For a very long time, I have not written down and wrote for the larger public. I have been writing continuously for myself these days in hopes of sharing that with the rest of the world one day. I have dedicated a year to let my writing make me completely miserable and it is doing it’s job very nicely so far. When thoughts of dying come back to you, you know it’s working. The past is grabbing you by its ankles and it is not letting you go. And that is why we avoid it. We hide it and try every moment to make our lives better than yesterday so that we’ll no longer feel what we felt yesterday. But what if the past is not done with you yet? What if, as hard as you try to get out of its grips, it tries as hard to hold onto you? What if no matter how hard you tried to change, you find yourself in the same spot as you started? Even after all that meditation and tools of self-discovery, you are back to what has accompanied you all your life? What if you have settled in its familiarity, its comfort once again in this lifetime? Like that teddy you hug to sleep every night, maybe pain is simply a beloved that wants to stay by your side all your life. And you are telling it to go away? Someone who wants to be there forever? Why? Who says no to anything that wants to walks along with them all their life? Nobody. So why are you doing it? Why do you want it to leave you alone for the rest of your life? Can’t you see how much it loves you and wants you? Can’t you just look in its eyes and see how much sincerity there is? Don’t you see true love? So why don’t you want to hold its hand? Why don’t you want to walk along with it? Why does it frustrate you and suffocate you to have it around?
Living, I realized… is like that. Things you run away from, things you want to rip out of your heart and your body…they don’t leave you alone. They are like these obsessive teenage loves that make absolutely no sense at all. It is absolutely stupid and blind. But does it mean it’s not real? No, it doesn’t mean that. Maybe we need to dig deeper into these obsessions and realize… that they truly and completely love us. Regardless of who we are. So don’t run away from it. Don’t try to rip it out either. Let it work through you and make you miserable. Yes, you are gonna lose your shit and become a complete mess. But this is life. Only if we allow ourselves to feel exactly how we feel, will be able to meet our true selves. The key, however, is to remember that it is just a feeling. Yea, I am asking you to let it take over you and cage you in its power but I hope that as you wake up the next day, you are finally free. And if it doesn’t leave you and keeps coming back over and over again, maybe you need to dig deeper and understand why that feeling is there in the first place. Where did it come from and what experiences in your life caused it.
I am not having the best time of my life. But I am old enough to know that this too will pass. Like everything else in life. Difficult times are tough of course, but just like happiness, they are very short-lived. And all kinds of experiences in life are good. Especially if you like to write about them. I don’t like being stuck in one place but I do like to look at my feelings in the eye and observe what exactly it does to me. Only if I look at it from a distance do I realize that it is simply something my mind created. Yes, it’s caused by real events and real people, but who cares? If you take your brain out of your body, it will no longer be part of you. And that’s when you will realize…that your soul, your true self, has absolutely nothing to do with what your brain thinks. Thoughts and feelings are simply accomplices in your journey of life, just like your friends and family would be. They are not you. And they will never be you.
Hope you all are doing well. 2018 is ending soon and I have a lot to do before I turn 30 next year. For some reason I feel that time is running out. I have never felt this way in my life before. Life has always only felt extremely long and annoying. So much so that I have never actually truly wanted to wake up and live it. But in the past few months, I have gained this extremely strong energy that doesn’t even let me sleep anymore. It wants me to get out of bed and do something. It wants me to live SO much that I die living. So that’s why I feel that time is running out. I have so many dreams to accomplish and I just don’t feel like I have put enough work in the last 29 years to make them come true. I don’t know how long I will live. No one does. All I know now is that I can’t waste time anymore. Time is running out.
There isn’t time – so brief is life – for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving – & but an instant, so to speak, for that. – Mark Twain
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Wishing you all the best in life. And if you are having a hard time, please don’t forget that you can always take a deep breath and exhale it all out.
Ish Kish Mish