The Journey Back Home (6/6)

The-Journey-Back-Home thin

Love and Kindness, Written in March 2016

There will come a time,

You will see.

When love will not break your heart,

But dismiss your fears.

I have been away for a very long time, I know. Some of you might be wondering where I suddenly disappeared to in the midst of October. The truth is that the last few months have been very difficult in many ways and this is probably the first time I am admitting that fact. But as you know, I don’t really believe in good times alone; I know there are going to be some difficult times in life as well. So, all is well. I believe even when I was going through those difficult times, all was well. As a result of those times, however, some things have changed quite drastically in my life and so has my vision for the future.

Due to my grandfather being sick, I had to go India late last year and although it was all unreal to me, it was also ground shaking in many ways. When all that you have forgotten comes right back to you all at once, it can get quite confusing. Sometimes I still wonder why I keep wandering in the streets of my hometown in my head, what is it that am I searching for and if it is even there. But maybe, some things are supposed to be a mystery so I don’t believe in spending too much time trying to interpret them.

During the past few months, I have tried to understand myself a little more. I have tried to understand another person’s love too. An unquestionable and overwhelming amount of love that I have denied myself of simply because it did not match my definition of love. In those moments, I realized that although I may have missed out on certain things as a result of my thoughts, it was alright. Because that is who I was at that point in time. And that people who truly love me wouldn’t have wanted me to be any other way. And those who don’t truly love me and just expect things to be a certain way can just live with themselves.

After meeting my grandfather after such a long time, I realized that Love is not something that you can measure in quantifiable terms and collect data to support. Love just IS. Regardless of the way you are acting, feeling or interpreting a certain action of another, Love just simply IS. And that shocking realization came to me as my bed-ridden grandfather asked me at the end of every single day how my day was. He did not question me or my parents why it took so long for all of us to come see him again in this lifetime. He simply asked how our day went. While many people around him tried to hurt us, he simply asked how we were and how our day was. And I understood in those moments that although others may have manipulated him for their own greed and isolated my father intentionally, regardless of gaining his money, they could not gain his heart. That until the very last moment, he wasn’t worried at all about why we acted the way we did. Instead, he was worried about the fact that we, his grandchildren were not married yet. That he might not be able to be there when that happens and you know it’s very hard to leave your loved ones behind knowing that no one is beside them. Without the need for any words at all, he simply understood us. Whether we loved him or cared for him was not a question in his mind, it was simply an unshakable understanding in his heart. An understanding that none of the people in this world could shake him about. But as a result of some of his actions, we misunderstood his love. And he knew that and was completely alright with it. In his last moments, knowing that his heart and his worries were with us became an everlasting comfort in our lives. Many others tried to wreck this comfort by making us feel miserable, but through this experience I came to an unshakable understanding that we always were and always will be – loved.

It is hard to say there were no misunderstandings between us in all those years. But it’s alright. Because regardless of it all, beneath them all, there was true love – from both sides. And whether someone is here today or not does not matter because Love will BE regardless of all that. We spent a lot of time in our lives with him, especially when we were little and the values we live by today were planted there by him. And I understood that even more as I looked back on my life. Yes, there were times when my father could have been home when I went to school or came back but you know what, in those times he was busy fulfilling his responsibilities as a son. And in the 20 years that he did that in, he did his best. And yes, we as his children could have seen more of him and made more memories with him if he was home instead of supporting his father in his life’s goals, but maybe, just maybe that was alright too. Because if in this lifetime, if you had the opportunity to be a good son, husband, father and a person and you fulfilled each one of them to the best of your abilities, you are already rich enough. Because people always chose you. And although you missed out on certain other opportunities in life as a result of them, at the very least you became a human being who always took full responsibility for everyone around him. You did not walk out on anybody. When life presented itself to you, you gave it your all and that is what made you. And if in this world existed those human beings who tried to make you feel less of yourself and your accomplishments, well then that is what made them.

You know how you can push a perfectly good human being into misery? By messing with their brain, putting them down and making them think badly about their own accomplishments. Unfortunately, that is what some of the people closest to us did, especially to my father. So I made some solid decisions in this life. Those who do wrong to you don’t deserve you. The skies can rip apart and scream loudly into my ears but it will never shake the ground I am standing on. It is possible to live your life without these trashy human beings and that is what I must do. Discard the trash. What self-respect could you possibly have if you continue to go back to people whose aim is to simply destroy you? Why would you choose to hurt yourself over and over again? I won’t. I love myself and my family too much to do that. And this time I will do that not because I am angry but because shamelessness doesn’t deserve forgiveness. In fact, it does not even deserve any of my time thinking about it. It ends with me walking forward without paying any attention to this trash. The thinking that “there are some relations in this world that you cannot let go of even if you want”, I will let go of. Because in this world, there is something much stronger than what you think can be done and what can’t be and that, is your desire. When your desire becomes stronger than your own mind, nothing is impossible. I hope that people who did wrong things to my family die in hell. I hope their own lives end up showing them the reality of the monsters they are. I hope their heart sinks exactly the way they made ours sink. I hope that they live in so much misery that even the ones who love them cannot save them from themselves. I wish all the terrible things for them in this lifetime. Those who walk out into the world with an intention to hurt others, I hope they hurt too.

I don’t think that in this lifetime, I have ever wanted bad things in life for anyone. I have lived my life too kindly to allow that. Even my parents have never said such things even to the most hurtful of people. And if my grandfather was here today, he would probably also not approve of me acting this way. “Be the bigger person” is what I have been taught by my elders in this lifetime. But through a lot of experiences in this life, I have learned that you don’t always have to be the bigger person. You don’t always have to be the who consumes everything as others throw shit your way. That since you are a human being yourself, you can throw shit back at people. The more shit you consume, the more shitty you will become yourself. So rather than always being on the receiving end and then going out into the world and taking it out on complete strangers, throw that shit back at those who dare to throw it at you. Make it even there and then so you would not make yourself or other innocent people suffer for it in the long run. Don’t let these shitters change your outlook on life and don’t let them hold you by the ankle either. Make it clear to them as to what’s acceptable and what’s not and if they still go beyond those boundaries, teach them a lesson. And that is how I will live my life. May you all live well. And don’t be afraid of those who do wrong to you. It’s them who are unworthy, not you.

The right way to live is not in being to kind to others. Rather, kindness IS  showing people the right way to live.

With Love and a new way of Kindness,

Ish Kish Mish <3

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