Truly Untitled, Written in December 2015
I don’t know what I am writing today. In fact, I haven’t known for a very long time. I have just been writing, that’s all. I have found that that’s the best way to discover what comes out of you. And that’s the strategy I have been following for a long time. So today, I don’t know what I am writing about at all but I haven’t written much in a very long time. I have been photographing a lil’ but not too much. I have lost my paint brushes so I can’t paint the canvas I had bought a few months ago. I have also lost my colored pens which were in the same container as the paint brushes. It’s weird. I can’t seem to find them anywhere at all. How can an artist work without her tools? lol
I haven’t been feeling very lost though. I have been ok with this withdrawal. I think I am learning to balance things out. It feels kind of nice to not want to check social media or email first thing in the morning. It feels nice to be able to fall asleep easier than before. It’s weird because these days I have been realizing the importance of the core. The core of a human being.
As I learned about my sick grandfather’s deteriorating health a month ago, I was completely shattered. I don’t know why because this is the cycle of life. People come and go. But why is it that they leave their footprints in the hearts of so many? I wondered about the answer to this question as I put myself through a cycle of denial of this reality that everyone eventually has to leave some day. And yet… it didn’t sink into me. The thought of losing someone is not something I have properly considered in my life and yet, it was standing right in front of me this time, head on, shouting, “Where are you gonna run away to now? Do you have a place?” And I did run; I ran away from everything, pretending that it does not affect me at all and yet, something so loudly roared in me to run away to the only one place I have never considered going back to ever in this lifetime: India.
The mind speaks. The heart roars. That’s the only reality. As I tried to run away to nearest embassy, about 2500 kms away, my parents stopped me. Of course they would; it was the stupidest thing to do. To be in so much haste. So after suffering for a few days with this unstoppable desire to run away to the place I had never wanted to be at again just so I could see my grandfather one more time in this lifetime before the unthinkable happens, I got all the documents ready for my visa application and applied for it. Then it was simply time to pack and wait. Somehow I managed to do all that and fly to India within 2 days of getting the visa.
I arrived in Delhi on Nov 11, exactly after 11 years, on the 11 day of 11 month. It felt quite magical. it was a very long flight from Saskatoon to Toronto to Paris to Delhi and then a 6 hour car drive from Delhi to home but we made it. It was a very magical and scary moment. I had never imagined myself to be standing here again. It was a place I had left long long time ago and from my book of very strict rules, you never go back to places you have left (lol). But I was calm. It was hot and I was breathing. And so were all the people I love in this world. At the moment of arrival on that date, everyone I loved was either beside me, supporting me from far away or simply bedridden in hopes of seeing me. And most of all, there were all alive. Out of all of this, that was the most important thing. Not the stress, the worry, the money, the haste. Just that the people you love, no matter how far from you today, no matter what they think of you today, they were all alive and breathing. Above all the worries and the thoughts of the mind, that was the only reality.
We reached home very early in the morning and saw my grandfather as the first thing. He seemed weak and could not open his eyes to see me but he did say that he knows we are there with him now. A short period of 10 days went away with short conversations of the past, the present and the past unknown in the present and the present unknown in the present. Above it all, I was happy. Just truly happy. I was in my house after 11 years and my grandfather was still here, exactly the way he had been there when we were little. He couldn’t walk or talk the same way of course but he was there. And without the need for any words at all, he knew we were there too. That is Love.
As I had taken some time to figure out how I feel about this whole state of affairs in my life, I had meditated a little to find out how it’s affecting me. In my meditation I had seen myself sitting on a very tall structure and just observing the surroundings. It was Fall here in Canada so I saw really beautifully coloured trees all right in front of me. It was a wonderful view. I sat far away but very close to it. I felt that way anyways. I pondered upon how to deal with the fact that someone who loves me so dearly could possibly leave this world one day and I wondered about to deal with these overflowing feelings. To my surprise, I did not hear back, “This is life. People come and go. Accept it.” Instead, I saw in this reality a light so strong that it transferred from my worry to a source of strength. It was as if this light transferred from one body to another. As if nothing ever actually left this world at all.
I did not understand that light very well at first but I do remember talking about the light within us all before. Anyways, it made me wonder about who people really are without the shell of their bodies. I had read about the concept of an outer body and an inner body before but hadn’t understood it much. I can’t say that I understand it a lot today either. All I know is that I am definitely convinced that there is something inside of us all much much greater than what we can see and what we can think. That something is the only reason we are able to live. Without it we would give up as soon as we experience a minor injury. If our outer bodies indeed are nothing but shells to a completely invisible human being inside us, does it matter whether we die? It doesn’t. Because the invisible being lives on forever. In our hearts, in our works, in our paths, in our lives. Hence, there is absolutely no need to suffer. For the ones we love will always stay right here, with us and within us. Yes, the loss will be felt because there is no walking talking body to attach our memories to anymore but all of the tears will have to be shed after the fact. Today, we have to recognize what we still have – alive and breathing – right in front of us all. Live well.
PS – Unfortunately, my grandfather passed away on the same day I wrote this post.