It’s been a while. I have been away for a long time and will probably continue to be. It is because my Summer has begun. At least in my mind, it has. It began a while ago with a difficult decision to head to California with a friend I hadn’t seen in years. I contacted her a month before and she simply said, “Let’s do it! Let’s go!” After much thinking, we booked our flights and decided to take care of the rest later. It was something I wanted to do for a long time and even though I had proposed the idea, I was still a bit unsure. As she was taking some time to respond, I was thinking,
Can I afford it?
Is this really the best time to go? I won’t even have a job in 2 weeks (my contract was ending), should I really be spending money right now?
Maybe I should wait until I have a job?
As all of these worries filled my mind, I realized something very important: no time will ever be good enough to take a vacation. There will always be worries. There will always be responsibilities. The Canadian dollar will be falling and rising. Should I change my mind about what I want to do every time the world changes? No, I shouldn’t because that means what I want is less important to me than the external factors that affect my life. To love myself means to let my courage become stronger than my fears.
It is one of the most difficult things to get your head around because not spending money seems like the right thing to do when you are not earning any. Even as I am writing this, it sounds very logical to me to reduce your spending to cover the risk of not having any income in the future. But if you have already saved up for a vacation, why does it matter if you have any income or not? You can still afford it but now you are thinking, “I might need it to cover my expenses just in case I don’t get a job right away.” In other words, you are letting the fear of uncertainty in the future affect your decisions in the present. Worrying…what a useless thing to do, I realized. It would be easier to just trust. It would easier to just trust that I will be able to find a job in the future to cover my future expenses. Fear…it holds you down. It keeps your neck at the edge of a knife every single day in your very own life. Only you can push it away and that’s exactly what I did. It’s much easier to believe that everything will eventually work out than to make all the adjustments in my life as a result of the uncertainty. It’s much easier to trust than to live in fear every single moment of my life.
If I hadn’t gone to California, I would be sitting home and worrying about the future every single moment of my life. And the worst part? I wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it. I would be stuck in the circle of my thoughts and would not have been able to escape them even for one second. My month would have quite different from the one I just spent. As a result, I call this journey The Embarkment – the beginning of a journey that will free me from my own self.
Let your courage become stronger than your fears,
Ish Kish Mish
Saskatoon, SK, Canada, May 28, 2014, 5:40 PM
(PS – Just began my new position last week and couldn’t be happier about the decisions I made in the past month)