The first weekend by myself

I have had a pretty lazy weekend. Quite honestly, I have spent it doing absolutely nothing other than sitting around and sleeping as much as possible. It wasn’t until now I realized I should get up and eat something. Reluctantly, I made roti and finished the leftover veges my mom had given me last week. I haven’t even made anything new. Couldn’t even go get grocery. I was just too overwhelmed. Too overwhelmed with the fact that I have to work. That that’s the normal that humans live in. There’s no point talking to anyone either because that’s what everyone is doing. They have no better solution to offer. Why is doing nothing not an option these days? When did studying and working become so important? Since I have done both now, can’t this world leave me alone now? I am too tired to go through this system. Most importantly, I am sad. So sad that I don’t even want to get up and do something for myself. So bored that I don’t even wanna try anything new.

I think I have done very well until now. Three weeks ago, I had started going to the gym and that had really helped me not get to the pit of sadness. But over time, I went there less and less with last week only going once. The only reason I even felt like writing was because my smart brain came up with an idea. It came up with the idea that I should listen to Punjabi Virsa, a musical show that connects punjabis to their culture. I have found that I have lost meaning in my life and I haven’t been able to find it anywhere else. As I am writing this, I am getting ideas on doing podcasts, of speaking up my ideas. Just music is also about speaking up. So many years have gone keeping quiet. There are so many things to share. I haven’t made a video in long time. I started doing audio recordings but I left that behind too. I didn’t feel like writing last week either. All the things that give me a chance to connect with the rest of the world and share ideas are basically at a halt. And that’s not cool. No wonder I am fed up with myself. Working is just not enough for me. I have to go out and do something different. I have to live my life making a difference. I have to help others. I have to listen to their stories. I have to share mine. That’s how I feel alive. Why can’t I do that where I already am? I can work and do this. I can do everything I want in this world. But the energy in me is low. It’s so low that I even stop eating and that obviously doesn’t add to the low energy levels. Step 1 to life is eating well. Which I am clearly not doing.

I am like the most amazing human being I have ever met. And I am sitting here with no ideas on what to do with my life. I don’t know what to add to my bucket list. I made one years ago and haven’t paid attention to it since. The worst part is I don’t even feel like travelling. That’s really the worst. It used to be my favorite thing to do. To explore and experience new things. Now I just get mad at the mention of new things. Screw this though. The punjabi music is really running through my veins. It is giving me the energy that I am lacking. So right now I am probably running on someone else’s energy. But it’s ok. I think that’s the thing. Every single day, what kind of energy are you running on? What type of energy are you exhibiting? Is it the hopeless case energy or I-can-conquer-anything energy? Because it matters. What you exhibit is what others pick up from you. If you go into your day exhibiting nothing but hopelessness, the end result will be hopelessness as well. You need to grab each day by its neck and conquer it. It shouldn’t be grabbing you by your neck. You should never feel hopeless in your life. Because you can make all the difference. But when there is no energy to do anything, how do you convince yourself to break the day’s leg? You listen to something uplifting. You can’t always be producing awesome energy so you can rely on others to give that to you. The weird thing is my hopelessness ended with a single sentence: “Never leave a battle mid-way. Continue. To see the end.” I realized I can’t quit. I am not a quitter. Never was, never will be. I think I did my degree with that determination even though I had really shitty days and even almost failed at times.

I used to have a notebook with ideas on what to write about. At this point in time, I don’t even know where that notebook is. I have to find it and put it in my purse. I could even start using Evernote on my phone again. There are many things around to help me note down the ideas I have. Perhaps the problem is not the lack of ideas but the lack of actioning them. I realize that it’s not that I don’t feel they are valuable things to do, it’s that I have had to go through a phase where life just got wiped out and I had to focus on only and only my health. So things I used to do are slowly making their way back into my life. I don’t remember everything I used to do but slowly I am realizing them. Overall, life is not as bad as I am feeling at times. But I can’t escape my feelings; they are part of me and I have to live with them. This lack of motivation to do anything will dissolve with time, I hope. For now, I think I have to get up everyday, take time to do some makeup, eat something and go to work. These are the 3 things I have never had time for in my life and for some reason, I want to attempt it now. I am not very positive about the outcome LOL. But the reason I want to do this is because I want to shift my focus from my work to myself. It’s not that work is the most important thing in my life, it’s me you know. What I do actually doesn’t matter at all. It’s me and my health. How I look, How I feel, How I act. These things are important to me. I feel like loving myself is something I have to learn once again. I have to learn to put myself first. Before work, before everything. I am important to me and I really really love who I am. I think I just need to give myself a hug, over and over again. It’s great if others or ideas of others do that for you but I feel like that’s not enough. I have to pick myself up. I have to take care of myself and keep doing that as long as I live.

Until next time,

Keep smiling like flowers!! ( I know, it’s back!!)

Ish Kish Mish