Life right now

It’s 6:29 pm. I am back in the library. The keyboard is not standing at an angle. Most keyboards here have the stands broken. I was thinking of going home after my workout but words were flying through my head. I couldn’t stop them so I realized it’s probably not the best day to go home and lay under my blanket. Plus, I am very cold these days. The weather is changing. It’s supposed to snow tonight. It has already snowed about 3 hrs north. More snow about 4.5 hrs north. Checking the weather patterns is part of my job. If there is too much snow that has a chance of melting, then it becomes a problem. If it freezes then there is no problem. No water, no wet cable to cause issues.

This is my week 2 of going to the gym right after work. Quite honestly, I was seeing some resistance to attempting it today. I am glad I stood against it and went. Once I was there, there was some interesting show going on and even though I usually stop at 30 mins on the treadmill,  I wanted to stay longer lol. I did stay a few mins longer and then started doing my stretches. I tried some new exercises with the aerobic ball today. They have removed the poster that had all the exercises. I just looked at another one in another gym on the weekend and was reminded of the exercises I used to do.

I have been reading blogs a lot too lately. My reading capability is slowly coming back. I have started reading a book in my break as well. It’s called “From This Moment On” from Shania Twain. It’s an autobiography of her life. I felt attracted to it because I know a bit of Shania Twain’s marriage, divorce and remarriage. And that song “From this moment on” is one of my favorites. Too bad though. The person who it was written for is no longer in her life.

I haven’t started any writing projects this year. I haven’t been able to complete my older projects either. My Love Yourself book is still waiting to be colored. All the writing is done though. It has been, for a long time. But I have not finished it yet. When I was journalling a few weeks ago, I journalled about “Getting Warmer”. I think that is what I want this winter to be about. Getting Warmer. I had a friend who once said that because it’s cold outside, it feels warmer inside. I could never relate to that because cold to me was pure cold. There was no factor in it. But if I journalled about getting warmer, it means I am starting to feel The Warmth of Cold. A project I started a few years ago but did not have much to write about.

In this moment I am just happy. I am typing on this library computer with the keyboard tilted with the use of 2 pencils underneath. I am just happy that in a long long day, I at least can afford to write something. Life feels too long if all I do is work. This is work too but it doesn’t feel like work. It just feels very relaxing. Like I am on some sort of boat and I am just moving with its motions. That kind of relaxation I don’t get at work. For some reason, I am too frustrated about having to work. Why am I there? I don’t know. It’s just something you have to do as adults, apparently. I don’t agree with it but apparently that’s how life is supposed to be. Someday I hope to find a way out of it. Someday I will break through this crap of responsibilities. In the meantime, I am trying to not add more on my plate. The more people you involve in your life, the more you have to think about responsibilities and the more you have to think about earning for having a life together. I can say I am really glad right now for not having a boyfriend. If I did, I would be thinking about having a life together and with a life together comes kids and all that loop of earning and providing for your family. I am glad to be out of this crap so nicely decorated as Love. I can’t believe I just said that. But it’s true. No part of me wants to be caught in the cycle of having to earn for a living.

Don’t worry though, I am not a lazy bum. I can figure out many things to do if I really make my mind. But for some reason, I see this weird aura around my work, some dark spirit. I can’t seem to enjoy what I do. And maybe there are no spirits. Maybe it’s just me. How I think about work. How my “dreams” are different from where I am. Truthfully, all my life I had never thought about working and earning money. I was only interested in studying. I did not study to get a good job. I studied to simply study. So why can’t I work to simply work? Not for money or because it’s what responsible adults do but simply for doing something useful in my life. To make a difference at the company and in the world. My experience has told me that I want more than that. I have a lot of expectations from work. I can’t work to simply work. And I can’t work to just earn either. I want passion. I want unlimited passion flowing through my veins to achieve something. Something that fuels even more passion. I don’t seem to be getting that right now. How can I ignite that passion in my current job, I don’t know. Yes. Passion is what’s missing right now. And since I am Fire, I need some passion in order to burn. Without it, I am simply exhausted. I guess it’s good to know what’s missing.

I am in awe though. I am just typing but also realizing lots of things. Questions I asked all day everyday finally have some answers. Not all yet, but some. The million ideas going through my head, I got some of them out today. About future. About what I can do to get rid of what I have right now. How I can move far away and start anew. How moving is actually an option. How leaving my job is actually an option. Choice. I have lots of choices. I can move far away to a place which has lots of jobs and I can leave my job and do some seva for a while.

Seva was interesting though. I found that when I am doing something for which I want nothing in return, I am much happier. I thought about why I can’t do the same with my work. I guess it’s because there are expectations from the employer involved here. You can’t just do whatever anymore. I guess what I work for is missing. People work for their families. I thought I worked for myself, to take better care of myself, my career and my dreams. But all of that has become so hazy now. What am I working for? I don’t even need to. Then the big question of what else would you do appears in front of me and I don’t have any answer to it. Yet, I don’t feel happiness with the choice I am making. This saddens me. Leaves me with no choice. “If you aren’t happy where you are, go somewhere else. Try something else.” Quite honestly, I think my mind is playing me big time. It’s saying I don’t like where I am, says don’t quit because then you’d have nothing else to do and then presents choices of moving away as the solution. If I just thought of work as simply something I have to do and absolutely nothing else (not a way to earn money or be responsible), would I be able to do it with sincerity? Why is it that there is a wall  between me and my sincerity simply because I don’t like the context it is set in. I could be doing the same nature of work in a totally different context. Why does context matter? Because of my specialization in a different field. But if I cannot be in that context now, why is the current one not feeling attractive at all? It’s not my field, that’s the truth eh. I chose something different and have done everything I could here. Now I want to move onto my dreams. I don’t know if the timing is right or not. But I didn’t have these thoughts earlier. I had them when I had first started working and then somehow I convinced myself that moving forward with something is a good thing. At least you are not staying still. I moved from a part-time job to a contract full-time to a permanent full-time and now there doesn’t seem to be another way? I want to move around and learn something but apparently it’s so hard to do that in this company because of seniority. I need to be somewhere I can grow.

A part of me says that it’s all bullshit. Everything I am thinking, writing down. Everything I am trying to figure out. I feel like everything must just be alright but I am running around thinking that it’s not. Why is my mind running? I know the reason for that. When will it be over? I don’t know. It’s something so nicely folded into my life that I don’t seem to know the difference at times. I discovered this is not where I am meant to be. But I also know that it’s better to stay close to family. Doing that shuts doors though. It shuts doors to the future that I could have somewhere else with an amazing career. I won’t know the truth until I really try. I could go in a loop. Once again, I have thought of all sorts of scenarios only to get stuck exactly where I am. There’s no way out. That’s why life starts feeling suffocating at times. With the Winter here and it getting dark sooner and sooner, I don’t even want to go to my apartment. It feels boring and nothing else. I don’t even have my proper space anymore. It’s like there’s nowhere to go anymore. I don’t want to be anywhere either. I can’t even say it’s a phase anymore. It’s more like Life. Messed up. Scattered. Ripped apart. Broken into pieces. Just all over the place. Nothing feels intact. Nothing.

IshKishMish