There's a longing in our hearts that takes us to places. It takes us to our dreams. Somehow, someday, our heart rips through our thoughts, our mind and stands out in a way that's impossible to avoid. Because quite honestly, it's been quiet for way too long. We have been ignoring it for way too long. The heart guides us to our purpose - the reason we were brought into this world. There's a power in our heart that cannot be defied; it shakes us to our very core, hitting our thoughts like hail hitting the trees and shedding them in the process. There's a power in our heart, a truth that can never be hidden or ignored and the longer it sits there, the more powerful it becomes.
In shaking off these layers and accepting them, I have realized something…. It is the purpose of my life. The purpose of my life, I realized, is to be a flower. To be that one thing in the world that exudes laughter and love. In listening to my heart, I have realized that the only thing real in any moment of my life - is laughter. The only moment real is the one in which we unstoppably burst into laughter and spread seeds of it into the wind to be taken far far away, into the parts of the world we may never be able to touch or see.
But laughter is not constant. The winds can change direction and flowers can wilt. What once looked beautiful can now be completely dead. The heart can tremble yet once again at the loss of the ones we once loved with all of our hearts. With their beauty, we survive. In their beauty, we thrive. Perhaps they are still beautiful, we just need to remember. When they have lost their vision, we need to be their eyes. We need to remember them for who they are and who they can be. Goodbye is temporary. For in this lifetime, they will blossom all over again. This is the life of a flower and the life I am meant to live.
Hence, with broken sentences and unfinished books, my message to the world is simple:
Live like a flower.
When it's time to wilt, wilt. When it's time to bloom, bloom. Live like a flower and bring with yourself a laughter that will rip through the sky and spread with the wind like an irresistible desire.
Keep smiling like flowers,
Ish Kish Mish
July 27, 2015, 8:17 PM, Regina, SK, Canada
It took me a really long time to realize that in this life I was a very special person. In my own life and in others'. I was a person who entered your life and never left. Someone you could never afford to be fake in front of because I always saw right through you. I saw right through the million layers you had built around yourself and made you come face-to-face with your reality. From that you wanted to escape and bullshit me over and over again. But then again, I saw right through you. In front of me, there was absolutely no escape. In front of me, you had to show who you really were and let yourself be vulnerable because the only you who could meet me was the person you really were, not the person you were trying to be. Sometimes it took months, sometimes years, sometimes even a lifetime, but that was ok. If you had met me and were part of my life, some day you understood. That you'd have to throw away all the crap about who you think you are supposed to be and let yourself be who you really are. With me, you were just you. That was the power of my presence in your life.
I love writing love letters to the guys I love but….
I never give them the letters.
Because you know…. it’s private.
I wanted to write a public love letter to my FAVORITE city in this entire world. Here it goes.
REGINA, MY LOVE
MY DEAREST, SWEETEST, CUTEST DELIGHT
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL ABOUT ABOUT YOU
The first day I met you I had no idea what I was getting into.
I just got a job here so suddenly and basically I had move here within a month.
I came here looking for an apartment over a weekend and got one, just like that.
It was spacious and the the caretaker lady was the kindest in the world and she helped me with a lot of things. In fact she lived right in the next apartment so I didn’t have to go far to get anything if I had any concerns.
I often visited her for evening coffee and tea and we talked and watched movies together.
My evenings consisted of going to the lake on my bicycle and watching the sunset.
I also bought a board which I tried to learn as my cousin had taught me how to get on it and stay on it.
Wascana park was 2 mins away so practicing there was easy and dip in the pool in Wascana Wave day after day was jst amazing. That’s how I learned to swim by myself.
Those were the best days of my life. That year I learned how to love myself.
I learned how to work hard at my job and be free from my brain’s limitations. I learned to meditate, dance meditate, dance by myself in my apartment.
I remember coming home from work and meditating for 10 mins, dancing for an hour, making my food and then going to park on my bike to watch the sunset. I remember recording these sunsets on my device everyday. I was a sunset lover and I still am.
Those days were the best days of my life and they still are, and I found them here in Regina.
Life changed. The apartment I loved became hell. The caretaker changed as well. The job couldn’t help me the way I needed. My health deteriorated. I lost someone close to me. I got sick. The past 2 years I have been fighting. For everything in life.
I have wanted to run away from you, my Love.
I have wanted to convince myself that you are not the one anymore and maybe I am right, I don’t know but the fact still remains that you are the place I found myself. You are where I shed my past and became the confident person I am today.
I want to thank you for giving me these open roads that crowded big cities don’t have because crowds really scare me and I need space, lots and lots of space to grow, and you in my life gave me exactly that.
I cannot promise you that I will spend my life with you because I have lots and lots of dreams and I am not sure if all of them can come true here but I wanted to tell you that you have been so important in my journey of preparing me to get to the right place. You have been so supportive, so open, so kind, so loving, I really really don’t know how to even step out of this place for even a day.
You are a place that I discovered all my interests like yoga, meditation, writing, aerial sling, video making. Before coming here, I didn’t know anything about myself. All I had ever done was study.
I have to be honest with you. You are more than a place I work. You are a place I call home. You are place I walk around in the streets of downtown of in every direction simply because I want to walk, not drive. I love walking in your streets and going to places by foot.
I love that after 8’o clock no one is in your streets.
I love that sunsets over the lake are so beautiful.
I love that there’s a place somewhere on the lake where you can go down and sit by yourself on a deck and watch the water and write or read.
I love that the Wascana park is huge and it takes 3 hrs to go around it by foot.
I love that whenever I have no idea what to do with my life I just cycle around Wascana park and take pictures of what I see and document my journey and just find a new perspective in life.
I love that even though restaurants aren’t great, they are closeby and even when I didn’t have a car I could walk to them and eat food
I love that the grocery store was close enough for me to bike to for days when I didn’t have a car.
I love that I lived in an area where there were 3 parks. I loved looking at flowers in all the parks especially Queen Elizabeth park. I remember one summer I visited that park every day to look at the flowers. I even used them for pictures for one of my photography/postcard project.
I love that there was Folk Fest every year to go to and there was a variety of music every year and it was free to listen to in the day and people came to it from every part of the province.
I loved that something was always going on in Victoria park in the summer. I remember there was concert summer. There was a concert going on in that park every week that summer. Someone on Tues, someone on Thurs, like that. It was so awesome. I even remember a song a singer sang that summer coz it touched my heart. It was called “Loving you is easy coz you’re beautiful.” I was just listening to it a few days ago.
I loved that I joined the Terry Fox run one year.
I love that I can go to any part of the city within 10 mins.
I love that the yoga studio is 2 mins from work.
I love that I can learn sling in a very supportive environment and my dreams of becoming an aerial artist have at least started becoming a reality.
I love that for the past 5 years I have been walking to work.
I love that there’s room to make mistakes here, you won’t just get into trouble if you forget to check your blind spot once. There’s usually not anyone behind you anyway.
Most importantly, in my life, I just miss you. I just miss every single moment that I have spent with you. I long for more and more times with you, my city. I don’t know why life changed for me and why I had to learn so many lessons in life and why I had to feel so disconnected from you, but my love, I really really miss you. I miss you day and night, on sunny days and cloudy days. I miss you whenever I see no hope in life. I miss you when I feel unloved. I miss you when life just feels so suffocating I cannot breathe. I miss you I miss you I miss you.
I simply want to go for walks with you wanting no one in life.
I want to spend evenings with you and only you thinking about nothing but the evening breeze.
I just want to sit in front of the sunsets and talk about my heart like I used to every evening.
I want to melt in your heat and keep looking up at the sky listening to live music.
I love you, Regina. You are my favorite city in the world. There’s no place in the world where I have experienced so much life as I have experienced here and your love has just been so overwhelming it makes me teary. How can I keep you in my heart forever? I have been trying to figure that out. Because the thought of stepping away from you even for a second puts me into a state of anxiety. You are what holds me tight in its arms day after day. There is no place in this world that has embraced my tears like you have and I thank you for that. Thank you for being by my side, my love. Thank you for your company for the last 5 years. This is definitely the longest relationship I have ever been in in my life and although I don’t know it’s future, I can only say that no matter what, we will always love each other. When 2 entities in life are bound by love, they become one and eternal.
I know that no matter where I go in this world, you’ll be beside me. The support you’ve give me in this lifetime can probably never be matched by anyone in this world. I just want to say with all of my heart that thank you for your love. Thank you so much. Without you, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Without you, I wouldn’t be so confident and bubbly and social. It was your love that changed me forever. “You are the one,” I feel it. But I also hear you say, “I want you to go and pursue your dreams.” Why are you letting me go? I don’t want to go anywhere. It’s too hard. I don’t want to ever let you go. I just can’t seem to be able to just yet. Maybe with a little bit of time. But that was not the topic for today. The topic was that I love you. I love you so much I have trouble letting you go and pursuing anything else in life. I know that you’ll always be with me but I am not ready. I am not ready to let you go.
Ish Kish Mish