Making a U-turn

It’s 7:40pm. I had a busy evening today. Went to the gym and then walked to a restaurant to eat. Got home and took a shower. It was the first day of snow today. It started snowing last night and continued on all day. I was pretty bummed out all morning from just last night’s thoughts. They were rotating in my head over and over making me feel like I was stuck somewhere with absolutely no way out. That is usual with my mind. It traps in a situation and makes me feel hopeless. It doesn’t just happen with work. It happens with many more things.

I got really busy with work this afternoon and had absolutely no time to think about all of this crap. Which is when I realized…what will get me over thinking about work all the time is not the absence of the work, but actually being really really busy. When you are so busy you don’t even have the time to think about anything else, you leave other things behind just to focus on your task. So what will help my rushing brain is the presence of more and more work.

I decided today to work hard where I am. It’s not the first time I have come to this decision. I have come to this decision many times before. But other thoughts always washed over it all, confusing me. Where I could be surfaces more often than I’d like. Where I am and what I can do here, I forget about the power of that. The power of presence. The power of my presence is stronger than power of my dreams that lie somewhere in the future. Where you are has all of you and where you can be has a part of you. But mostly, you are here, not far away in the past or future. At least, I would hope so. So when I get too caught up in where I can be, I stop enjoying the present. The present feels like a useless place and yet, it is the most important one. It is the only place I can actually make a difference. What’s to come is simply not here.

I go in motions like this. Sometimes on one extreme and sometimes on the other. My thoughts take me on a journey, a journey I don’t always enjoy. But a good day and a bad day depends really on how I am thinking that day. Most of these thoughts are valid. There are no invalid thoughts here. They are all true. They all are trying to influence my life one way or the other. And they are. But I have to find out what will help me not feel too stuck here. Perhaps this feeling of every door closing in on me is not real. Perhaps the doors are all open and there is fresh air going through the rooms but I just can’t feel it. In yoga, they say breathe. Breathe through your asanas. Maybe I just need to breathe more and more. Breathe through every thought, every moment. Create space around what I am so convinced of and then observe how the table flips in front of me. I do find that I get really depressed when too many thoughts attack me like that. I guess since they are mine, I have to let them be. They are part of me. It would be nice if they weren’t. Then I could blame some other dark power. But I can’t anymore. It’s simply me.

On a happier note, everything is white today. In the busy afternoon I had, I did take a few seconds every now and then to stare at the falling snow. It felt so magical. So cozy. So warm. It’s definitely getting warmer here in the heart watching the snow fall slowly like that. I can understand why the kids love watching the snow fall. It’s a magical moment. And the snow flakes all go in one direction, sometimes coming at you, sometimes moving away, sometimes going in a circle. I could seriously just watch it all day.

My music is back. I am listening to relaxing music while writing. And oh, I had my favorite korean meal today. Soft tofu soup, less spicy, no squid. With kimchi, bean sprouts, cucumbers and rice. And I added the tea today because it was so cold. The roads are slippery and white. It’s that time already. A year is almost gone. I really want to open up some magazines and do some journalling soon and maybe even make a vision board. I see the energy coming back to me slowly. I wanna live my life to the fullest. There’s very few days in my life when I can say that. It’s hasn’t really been an exciting year. I have had to deal with a lot. But it’s ok. It’s gone now. For now anyways.

I needed hugs today. I didn’t randomly hug my coworkers like I usually do. But somehow I felt I was hugged by my day and my work today. When what you think is working against you is actually holding your hand through your life, it becomes an interesting meeting. Sometimes we can just stand against things that are holding us close. My job is like that. I had to go through so much shit but in the end, it was always here for me, providing me with the money I need to live my life. The elements around it got shaken a bit but it has always been here. Until of course I call it quits, it will still be here. The people at work have always been there too. To listen to the million things going through my head. But the relationship with this company had been hurt. I had reached a point where I felt we can no longer walk the same path anymore and there were no intersections either. We were simply on separate paths. But somehow, silently and quietly, it understood. It consumed all of that is me and held me close anyway. Somehow Love seemed to be holding me close once again. The one thing I always try to run away from.

It’s always astonishing to realize that you are loved. By all the things you have in your life. And when you reach that point and feel it fully, you realize how blessed you really are. I feel I am blessed because I have all the people I have in my life. It’s always the people in your life that strengthen you. And I think I am very lucky to have so many of them. Whether it be home or work, it’s full of people supporting me in what I want to do with my life. Even if I am not in the right place in my career, I know everyone here will help in every way they can to help me get to where I want to go. I think jobs change all the time; it’s a constant thing in life. But when I really talk about the “right” place, shouldn’t I think about the people it contains rather than which step I am on the ladder? It’s the people you meet at each step that matter the most. There’s those who pull you to the ground and those who encourage you and help you rise higher. So if I think just about the people and where I am right now, I am in a damn good place. My manager and my coworkers are the most supportive people in the world. My family has always had my back no matter what I go through. So I am very well supported. I don’t think there’s any dream I can’t reach. I know that no matter what I do, I will always have the support of people around me. So maybe I should just not worry about being in the right place. Maybe I should just enjoy where I am while working towards the next opportunity in life. I just need to pick it and everyone will be there to help me. Yes, I just need to remember that every moment. I guess that’s why they say that being grateful for what you have will help you get where you are going.

I have to take a moment to thank God today. I know I couldn’t have reached this understanding by myself. I knew I needed to get out what was going on in my head first. Once it’s all out, there’s room for adjustment. Funny story today – I walked out of the building and found the following gates locked. I thought I was stuck between the 2 doors outside in the cold. I was really scared. But apparently someone else was leaving and told me that there was a side door. I just followed him and got out. I guess life is about finding that side door eh. Maybe you are not stuck. Maybe there’s still a way out. Maybe you just need someone’s help to show you that door. I have to remember that. Even when I think I am stuck, I am not. Even when I think there’s no way out, there is a way. Because God walks with you. Everywhere you go. You are not alone.

IshKishMish