I have written many posts starting exactly the same way. “I don’t know what to write about today.” Yet I have so much to say. I don’t even know where to begin. I have too much to say. But I am not ready to say it yet. I tried saying it and deleted it. I probably don’t even have a backup copy of it anymore. I don’t even remember what all happened. I don’t even know what will happen tomorrow. I am living this kind of life now. Not knowing what’s going to happen next in my life. Because of that I have been afraid. When you don’t know what can possibly go wrong the next moment, you’d naturally be afraid.
Life pisses me off. I don’t dream about the future. I don’t dream about endless possibilities. Instead, I find myself scared about everything. Much of the fear is gone now but a year long of struggle has put me into a very narrow world where there aren’t many possibilities. Where I am afraid of everything that I have to do. People tell me not to be afraid. They talk about all that could occur in the future. I can’t imagine it. I can’t even imagine the things that I used to be able to do alone. I have lived in too much fear over the last year that every part of me is busted out. But people don’t seem to understand that. They want to bust me out even more. By putting challenging things in front of me. I am not ready for a challenge. Nor am I ready for anything new. I want to feel safe in my own skin. I have lived through a year of my life ripping into pieces and new things are way too much for me. I have to be comfortable where I am. At least for a period of time. The fears will lift over time, I know. It’s already happening. But everything is still traumatic for me. The after effects are still lingering. They hold me by my feet and wing me around and I have to unwind myself from the hell I get trapped in. It has been at least 2 weeks since nothing wrong has happened but I don’t know when something will. I am trying not to think too much about what can happen. I am trying to live in the present. But I know I can get pulled into something new any time. A lot of the times I don’t know what to do anymore. But I try to be happy for being alive. I wish the world would leave me alone. They don’t have to go through what I have to go through so they should keep their ideas with themselves. The only time it will help is if I come up with those ideas myself. I think it’s good to know what other ways you can think about life, but for now, I am scared of many things. My fears have travelled through me to an extreme and have ripped me apart and I am still in recovery.
I guess I haven’t been posting because I haven’t really reached an ending yet. The story is not yet over. Typically, things begin and they end. This time there doesn’t seem to be an end. That’s why my fears are getting worse than better. But every day, I think I am better than yesterday. My life is functioning and that’s good enough. I hope I keep feeling better. I hope the world would leave me alone. I hope I can go through life alone once again without feeling like I always have to be around people. I guess being alone has an extreme too and I have seen it. When you reach that extreme, you get scared of being alone and want to be around people again. But to really be better again, you have to be able to be alone again. You have to be able to sit still and enjoy life as it is. You have to stop thinking that you have to be around people. You have to be able to enjoy moments of life with yourself. You have to be free of all that you think and just be, alone or not alone. Life is really hard, I have realized that now. You can go through it alone or with people. Nothing really matters. What matters is how much you want to solve by yourself and for how long. There are joys to being alone and being with people. There are cons to both too. So if possible, in this lifetime, do both – at different stages of life. Be alone and have lots of fun by yourself. Be with people and have lots of fun with them too. Make sure you are always enjoying life no matter what you choose. Life’s too short – to keep re-thinking where you are, what you are and where you need to be.
July 29, 2017