Written on July 22, 2015
There was a time when a cherry’s bitterness felt way too bitter. It was nice to have everything sweet. A hint of bitterness was too much to disrupt the sweetness in my mouth. It was an unenjoyable taste. Bitter.
A long time ago, I wrote about the longest path in life. It has been a year since I decided to change my life. 5 years since I realized that even though I had everything I wanted in life, I still wasn’t happy. A lifetime since I have been searching for my purpose in life. The truth however is… I still haven’t exactly found it. I don’t know whether my life will end the day I find that purpose or begin.
All my life, I have been running. Running so much to have the best life I want. But in this continuous running, I did not find it. I realized I needed to slow down and enjoy life as it is instead.
It’s easy to forget though. It’s easy to forget where you are, what you have and what you want to do. It’s easy to forget that you are alive and can still feel the touch on your skin, the hurtful words, the heart shattering. It’s easy to forget that in this moment, you are breathing, in and out, taking a part of the world in and then sending it out on its journey. It’s easy to forget that you have all the things you ever wanted in this life. It’s easy to forget the path you have taken to get there.
I must admit that I forget too. I forget where I am, what I have and where I have been. As easy it is to forget the good memories, it is as easy to forget the bad ones too. I began meditating about 6 months ago. It made me aware of what’s inside me. What I did not know was that being aware of it did not resolve it. It still sat inside me, far away from the everyday realities of life.
Underneath these layers is me. The real me. I haven’t met her in a very long time. After years and years of living, I still cannot find a way to connect with the truth inside me. I forget; I ignore. It does not go away. It remains hidden exactly where I left it, even getting dustier over time to an unrecognizable state. It’s there but I am unaware. I am silent.
Many summers have come and gone and I still haven’t been able to feel them all. Recently, however, I have started noticing something.
I can feel the sheets as they settle over me as I try to fall asleep.
Rain disturbing the stagnant water on the sides of the road excites me.
I am going beyond the fence and into the pool, where my fears await me.
I am making quicker decisions when I want to buy something.
I am setting goals and actually reaching them.
I am no longer disappointed in myself.
I can enjoy an evening with myself with just a few cherries and soy milk.
I have started saying hello to people more.
I have started speaking my mind.
Most importantly, I have started finding so much satisfaction in something as little as taking the time to cut onions to eat with my meal; it is something important to me.
What I have realized though is that you cannot forget. Good or bad, you cannot forget because they both make you who you are. As I try to hide one or the other, I find myself choking it all up and out. My heart screams into bitterness, spilling it all over the ground, coating me in all of what is me. “You can’t run away from yourself,” I tell myself. “You are gonna have to take the good and the bad and walk with it together.” Because this is what makes you. This is not some trash. This is your foundation. You cannot ignore it. You cannot pretend that it’s not there or you’ll feel like you are hanging mid-air. This is you. You have to accept it all, love it all and live with it every single moment of your life. You cannot build a house on a shaking foundation. So don’t run away. Sit right here. Right here with yourself in all of that is you. This is the person you were meant to be.
This is the truth and reality in you. Don’t throw it away. Enjoy it. Love it. Live it. Be proud. This is you!!
As I began listening to this voice and accepting the person I am, I realized that finally I am getting a little bit closer to myself. A bit closer to that person I have been wanting to meet. A bit closer to that disappearing image in the mirror. A little closer to that girl behind the bars.
Ish Kish Mish