Written on July 16, 2015
It has been a really long time. We never met. The habit of writing the date before starting an article makes me happy. There was a time when having to write down the date in every single class every single day for every single chapter felt like the most annoying thing in the world. Today, it comes naturally. Like putting on your undergarments before your clothes.
To have my words stuck in time on a particular day and time makes me feel safe.
At one one point in life, I felt this way.
At one point in time, I was this kind of person.
At one point in time, things affected me in this way.
At one point in time, I prayed everyday.
At one point in time, I chose others over myself.
At one point in time, I believed in everything.
At one point in time, I made the resolution to write my diary every single day and it just never happened.
At one point in time, I loved you so much and lost you anyway.
At one point in time, I feared myself every single day.
At one point in time, I hid myself in a corner so no one would find me.
At one point in time, I wondered who I was and why I was.
At one point in time, I let others tell me who I am and it felt wrong in every single way.
At one point in time, I felt heartbroken, miserable and completely lifeless.
At one point in time, every passing moment felt so bitter, so unkind.
At one point in time, everything, just everything seemed so far away, perhaps farther than the sky.
The child in me shrieks so wildly, destroying every trace of hope for tomorrow.
Could she be scared?
Could she be so afraid to let herself out?
Could she be so suffocated that even in the presence of fresh air, it feels as if the body is just filling up without being able to exhale?
Could she be suffering on her own?
As I ask those questions, the child in me smiles. As if nothing had ever gone wrong. With tears in her eyes, she begins to yell, and then backs down, lifeless. The child in me, yet once again, looks at the ground with tears falling helplessly and realizing…. that her reflection in those tears looks beautiful. It isn’t the way she prefers to look at herself but here she is. With tears and an overload of suffocating feelings wanting to rip out her heart. And yet, she looks absolutely beautiful. Realizing this, she bites the edge of her lip, sits down on the ground with her back pushed against the wall, wipes her tears and then cries even more. She was beautiful. That was the only reality in this moment. She was totally and completely beautiful. Everything she had ever lost was not hers to begin with anyway. Otherwise it would still be beside her today. She was her’s, these tears were her’s, and so were these feelings. Together, with it all, she was beautiful. She decided in her heart to never ever forget that. Ever.
Ish Kish Mish