I have been a bit on the edge today. It’s weird. I tried to write this on my Facebook but I felt more comfortable writing out my feelings on my blog rather than Facebook. I feel much more safer here even though this is a platform much less private than Facebook. I think I may not want all the people I know to know what I am going through. I don’t want anyone’s attention. I just want to feel comfortable sharing who I am and my blog is the only place I feel comfortable doing that.
I tried the volunteering. It exhausted me to the point of no return and I am really thinking about whether I should go back or not. The feeling of having helped somebody…well it’s just not there.
Today I am a lil’ too scared and want to just talk to people to distract my mind from this feeling. My body is folding inward and I am feeling afraid. I don’t know what I am afraid of. I don’t think there’s anything I am actually afraid of but I am just scared. This feeling that eats me from inside is really bothersome. Noises still bother me. I am keeping a sound machine to distract myself from them. They still catch my attention a lil’ too much. I think part of the reason I might be like this is because I have been alone for the last 4 days. I haven’t been alone for that long in a very long time. I did have some social time on Sat and today but maybe I just always need someone around me to be a lil’ less alert.
I have been just wondering how to get away from this feeling today and talking to people about other things has made it better for me. For a while anyway. Then I have to return back to who I am. Alone and scared. Something in me shakes. I don’t know what it is and why it is. All I know is that my body feels like something is eating me from inside. I feel helpless. Distracting myself makes it better but doesn’t solve the problem.
Let’s focus on the awesome things that happened today and over the weekend:
- Someone hid the Christmas wolf (I know! A wolf!) in my office behind my plant. I think I know who did it. I think it’s cute someone took the time to do that.
- I went to a Christmas event and had hot chocolate on my way home. There was a ice sculpture too and the TV guys were covering it. It was nice to catch it.
- I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. For the first time in the whole day I felt like I had the energy to conquer anything in life. I had been sad all day long and just having my heart beat really fast and just spending my energy on this treadmill made me feel like a real alive person. Sad days are really bad sometimes but I am glad I at least make the effort to make them better.
- I chatted with a coworker for like half an hour after work because she was working evenings and I was staying after work for my workout. A nice chat is always good for the body. Plus we are both introverts so that’s some good time spent making a connection.
- I have been smiling all day looking at the hidden wolf in my office
- I happened to meet a friend at lunch and we had a good chat about everyday life
- I was just reading random posts online and a post about not being ready for marriage stuck with me and I started chatting with the blogger and we ended up befriending each other on Instagram. It felt nice to make a connection!
- I am a lil’ hesitant to admit but I am happy. I think life is going well. I am making friends, participating in activities to keep myself active and busy and trying new things once in a while
- I participated in a 5K race on the weekend with my friend
- I cooked on Sunday
- I cleaned my apartment
I am glad that with every moment I am moving forward. That I am trying my best to socialize, participate in activities and just make the best of life regardless of what I am feeling. I think I should spend an evening buying some clothes for myself. That should be a great night. I am actually amazed that I am even talking to people and hanging out with them. It’s not who I have been most of my life. It’s scary but with time, I became comfortable with people I had met and it’s much better now. I am glad that I am embracing new things and doing everything I can to make myself feel better rather than just depending on medications. I think if you can treat something with just lifestyle changes, although they are hard to make, it’s much better than taking medication. In the long run, you want to be able to run your life free of meds. For now, I am still learning to be more active, physically and socially, so I think it’s great to have meds at my back.
Life is changing. Without me knowing, it’s changing. New people are coming in and old ones are still here. New doors are opening and I am walking through them. It’s a transformative experience. More importantly, I think God has my back. He’s supporting me through it. So maybe I just don’t need to be afraid anymore. I am doing everything I can to fight against this illness. Thank you God for the energy to fight.
I hope you all are doing well. Take care.
Ish Kish Mish