It’s at least been a month since I decided to hit the gym after work for half an hour and pump some motivation into my life. A month ago I was feeling so beaten by life and work that I wanted to do everything to get away from it all. I couldn’t bear anything in my life anymore and I wished that I could just escape to somewhere. Instead of making the stupid mistake of leaving everything behind, I told myself I couldn’t sit and feel sorry for myself. I had to do something to prevent me from feeling like a usesless person. That’s when I started going to the gym. With the gym came some energy. And with the energy, I felt like writing a bit. I wrote after my workouts, then ate and then went home to sleep.
Progress has been really good since. I went continuously for 2 weeks, then every other day the 3rd week and no days the 4th week and this week I am back to every other day again. I realized I have to take it slowly. Not over do it. The good thing is every day my energy levels are improving. Usually by winter, I am complete mess even when I am completely healthy. I hate the gloominess and the lack of sun. But now I am focusing more on what I can do in my life rather than what I can’t control. I wish I had started writing about my progress a year ago but I guess at that time, I wasn’t ready to talk about anything at all. Not even to myself. Now I am much better and have an ability to speak about how I feel. Thankfully, I am not terrified by anything although some things do irritate me to the point that things rotate in my head over and over. The thoughts don’t go on all day, just when I am in the presence of the place that causes the irritation.
In addition to gym, I picked up reading. I am reading Shania Twain’s biography and another book called Big Love. The biography is really giving me another perspective on some matters. The poverty she went through saddens me but another friend of mine who went through that kind of poverty said it was good for him. That actually that is what drives him to be successful today. I am glad there are positives to things like poverty. Another perspective I gained from the book was about domestic violence. Shania considers the economic struggle and poverty to be the reason behind the violence in her house. She somehow did not have any resentment towards her father and says that both parents were equally responsible for their fights getting out of control. Interestingly, I don’t see it that way and another perspective on this issue was interesting. I still strongly feel that any kind of violence is wrong but it’s good to know that people can still turn out okay after seeing all that mess. There is not much to say from her mother who suffered the abuse because she died in an accident, but at least from Shania’s perspective, it was just something that happened in her house. Her dreams and passion for singing made their way through all of that mess. Honestly, I don’t know how someone can even think about singing if life is that hard and shitty, but may be, as my friend said, that’s what drives you to be even more successful. So hardships might be a good thing I guess. I am not someone who can witness someone getting abused. It shakes every vein in my body and drives me crazy. No one in this world should be getting hurt in any way. That’s how I feel. But people say people are crazy and stupid. And that they just hurt others foolishly even though they love them. Love and abuse should not be residents in the same house, that’s all I know. And while it is not for me solve this complicated human matter of love and abuse, I have been wondering what role I can possibly play. Because it seems to be a matter that bothers me a lot. A lot more than I allow it to. So I don’t know how I can act so that it wouldn’t. The thought of someone getting hurt terrifies me. When someone attempts to break a human at every moment, it terrifies my mind. I get overly worried and can’t stop my mind from talking continuously about it. It just doesn’t leave my brain.
On another note, I have been trying to find things to do after work and on weekends and I found a soup kitchen to volunteer at. Looks like I am not available when the soup is made but I can be there for serving it. I start my first shift this Fri after work and hopefully I will like it. I felt that I had do something bigger than my job. Something that helped my community and made me feel awesome. Something I would get nothing in return for. Some seva in the community. So I took on that opportunity and applied. I am looking forward to my first shift. I think I am not a person who can be happy with just work, I need to do something beyond work, something that helps the world and make it a better place. With that I feel I am becoming a human being of value, someone who’s love is grander than herself.
Other than that, life has been going ok. I have been enjoying work a lil’ more too. Basically, I have completely changed the way I work. Now I write down every single thing that I do. At the end of each day, I have to report on what I did all day so I write things down as soon as I do them and it makes me feel much more accomplished than before. Because then my mind can’t say I am doing a useless job because what I am doing is actually written in front of me, in words, by me. I love that feeling of accomplishment. This is the problem I was working on, this is what I looked at and this is what worked – not just whether I was able to find any resource to help or not. It seems to me that upper management is also interested in this detail. Not just whether we are able to do anything to fix anything or not but what are all the options we’ve looked at. It gives me a grand sense of accomplishment to write in detail my thought process around each problem – the actual work. Because with that my mind can no longer argue otherwise. This change in the requirement of my work actually proved to be good for me. Overall, I am happy. More than that, I am happy that people are not evaluating me on what I can do at the end of the day but on what I have tried. That has probably been true all this time and I just didn’t know it. I am feeling more satisfied with my job now and that gives me a lot of satisfaction. At the very least, it makes me at least want to go to work. It doesn’t feel that hard anymore but I know I can handle it now.
I hope you are doing well. I have been trying to help out others who are writing about their struggles with mental health online as well. I hope my support helps them in one way or the other and I pray that all those struggling in this world feel better soon. It’s a tough battle and any shoulder of support always makes it better.
Ish Kish Mish