I was caught up in something. I forgot to focus on my main focus in life: moving forward. I was caught in thoughts such as “life sucks, ” I can’t do this anymore”, etc etc. Recently, it’s been feeling like no one wants to understand me. What people want is more important to them rather than how I am feeling. And I realize this is how you end up in a life full of shit, where people just walk alongside you with no idea of what’s going on in your head. They don’t care what emotional trouble you are going through, they just want a life together. You can go to hell and care for yourself. And in a way, this is life’s sad reality. I feel like you are responsible for what goes inside your head. You are also responsible for making sure it gets heard. No one can read my mind, I have to lay it out in words. But wouldn’t it be nice if people just understood how you felt? Just by looking at you? They can’t because they don’t have superpowers and it’s also not a fairy tale. Sucks, indeed. People can’t read you and you can’t put your feelings in words. Hence, a life full of disconnect with people around you. I also find that in life, it’s better to solve your emotional issues yourself without involving the person you love. Involving him only makes sense if you are asking for help. If you reach out and they can’t help, that is just the truth. They can’t help. So it’s your responsibility to find the help you need.
I think we put too much pressure on our relationships to understand and solve life’s issues for us. And sometimes none of them can actually help so you go from one person to another about your issues and they just have nothing to say. A friend of mine, who was having a bad day, just said, “yes..?” when I had messaged him. I could tell he was annoyed. Of course for reasons other than me but I was just adding on to it with my own problems. It’s my responsibility to solve my own problems. But I have to go back to people. I think we focus to much on that one relationship, one friend, that we expect to unload everything we feel to them. And I think it’s great if we can do that but people have their own life to deal with. They can’t always be there for you. So I feel like we should keep relationships at a distance at times and just deal with ourselves using another source of help. There still seems to be a disconnect between you and people close to you because you go through so much by yourself and they just have no idea. In time, hopefully you can explain yourself better. I feel like life is just all about communication. The better you are at communicating yourself to others, the better people with understand you and can hopefully support you. This communication gap can sometimes make us feel really alone even though it is us that are creating it. We expect people to just read our thoughts somehow without us having to communicate them. That’s a very fairy tale goal I think. I know there are some people who are great at catching how the other person is feeling and asking what’s up but in most of the relationships, you have to speak up and put yourself on the table. I feel like I want to be with someone I can do that with. Put myself on the table, tell him exactly how I feel and have it addressed. The weird thing is the only thing it requires from the other person is the listening skill, you are the one who has to do the talking. Who makes you feel like you can talk it all out? There are some people like that. And hopefully we are not tiring them all the time by telling them all of our stories all the time. but it’s good to have some people like that in our life. It can be your partner, friend, diary or even God. Just anyone.
I’ve been thinking about what kind of qualities I want in a person I love and listening to how the other person is feeling and trying to understand them is one of them. Either way, I am pissed off that people ignore how I feel about certain things and continue to push forward in the direction I do not want to go. I pick where I want to go and whether I want to go anywhere at all. It’s my choice, not someone else’s. I think I have to get better at communicating that. I don’t want to end up somewhere I don’t want to be and have to deal a whole bunch of shit I didn’t want in my life to begin with. No matter how old I get, I will do things when I am not ready for them, not when people think I should. Time can seriously just go to hell, it’s the time’s problem, not mine. And yes, it does mean lost opportunities but seriously, who cares? It’s the opportunities you don’t want in your life anyway. There is no loss.
Ish Kish Mish