ishkishmish.ca

A girl who loves smiling like flowers!

Speaking up

I don’t know why some things are so hard. All I can say is that they are. But I think that all we can do is try and see what happens. If we never try, we don’t know what the outcome might be. If we want any say in the outcome at all, we must give it some effort. I am not a very expressive person. I can hold onto many things that I actually should have said out loud. And because those things stay in my head for a long time, when they come out, they are usually not…

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Life is changing

I have been a bit on the edge today. It’s weird. I tried to write this on my Facebook but I felt more comfortable writing out my feelings on my blog rather than Facebook. I feel much more safer here even though this is a platform much less private than Facebook. I think I may not want all the people I know to know what I am going through. I don’t want anyone’s attention. I just want to feel comfortable sharing who I am and my blog is the only place I feel comfortable doing that. I tried the volunteering.…

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Boosting the energy in my life

It’s at least been a month since I decided to hit the gym after work for half an hour and pump some motivation into my life. A month ago I was feeling so beaten by life and work that I wanted to do everything to get away from it all. I couldn’t bear anything in my life anymore and I wished that I could just escape to somewhere. Instead of making the stupid mistake of leaving everything behind, I told myself I couldn’t sit and feel sorry for myself. I had to do something to prevent me from feeling like…

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The first weekend by myself

I have had a pretty lazy weekend. Quite honestly, I have spent it doing absolutely nothing other than sitting around and sleeping as much as possible. It wasn’t until now I realized I should get up and eat something. Reluctantly, I made roti and finished the leftover veges my mom had given me last week. I haven’t even made anything new. Couldn’t even go get grocery. I was just too overwhelmed. Too overwhelmed with the fact that I have to work. That that’s the normal that humans live in. There’s no point talking to anyone either because that’s what everyone…

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Moments from misery – Anxiety and Depression

It’s 6:00pm. I am not home yet. I don’t have productive evenings. I go to work everyday not really feeling my best most of the times and then I come home and are even more energyless. I don’t feel like doing anything. All day and all evening. Some people like to take the easy way and call it laziness. I personally don’t know how to describe it. I have tried using some words but they sound too extreme and make me feel like there is something wrong with me. Now it might not be completely wrong that something could be…

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Making a U-turn

It’s 7:40pm. I had a busy evening today. Went to the gym and then walked to a restaurant to eat. Got home and took a shower. It was the first day of snow today. It started snowing last night and continued on all day. I was pretty bummed out all morning from just last night’s thoughts. They were rotating in my head over and over making me feel like I was stuck somewhere with absolutely no way out. That is usual with my mind. It traps in a situation and makes me feel hopeless. It doesn’t just happen with work.…

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Life right now

It’s 6:29 pm. I am back in the library. The keyboard is not standing at an angle. Most keyboards here have the stands broken. I was thinking of going home after my workout but words were flying through my head. I couldn’t stop them so I realized it’s probably not the best day to go home and lay under my blanket. Plus, I am very cold these days. The weather is changing. It’s supposed to snow tonight. It has already snowed about 3 hrs north. More snow about 4.5 hrs north. Checking the weather patterns is part of my job.…

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Writing memories, leaving things behind and changing my focus

Today I am remembering the old days when I used to scratch out what I wrote because I didn’t think it would be acceptable by others. Write, scratch, write more “carefully”. It’s weird how we don’t realize that our life is very controlled by all of this crap. Crap also known as Expectations. Some put on by others and some, ourselves. Crap! No one was telling me to erase my words when I cut them out. It was me. I wanted to get rid of them because they were simply not sounding as awesome as I thought, or just not…

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The next step: Travel as a way of life?

I have been wondering for a long time what is it that I am not doing. There was a time when everything had started feeling boring. So I had dropped it all. Because nothing brought me comfort or satisfaction. Everything felt just extremely boring. I don’t think it’s a feeling I can really describe fully. You are unable to concentrate on anything because nothing brings you joy. And joy is a bit of an over statement. When nothing can even make you smile or laugh. You are in another world. A world you do not choose for yourself but a…

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