There's a longing in our hearts that takes us to places. It takes us to our dreams. Somehow, someday, our heart rips through our thoughts, our mind and stands out in a way that's impossible to avoid. Because quite honestly, it's been quiet for way too long. We have been ignoring it for way too long. The heart guides us to our purpose - the reason we were brought into this world. There's a power in our heart that cannot be defied; it shakes us to our very core, hitting our thoughts like hail hitting the trees and shedding them in the process. There's a power in our heart, a truth that can never be hidden or ignored and the longer it sits there, the more powerful it becomes.
In shaking off these layers and accepting them, I have realized something…. It is the purpose of my life. The purpose of my life, I realized, is to be a flower. To be that one thing in the world that exudes laughter and love. In listening to my heart, I have realized that the only thing real in any moment of my life - is laughter. The only moment real is the one in which we unstoppably burst into laughter and spread seeds of it into the wind to be taken far far away, into the parts of the world we may never be able to touch or see.
But laughter is not constant. The winds can change direction and flowers can wilt. What once looked beautiful can now be completely dead. The heart can tremble yet once again at the loss of the ones we once loved with all of our hearts. With their beauty, we survive. In their beauty, we thrive. Perhaps they are still beautiful, we just need to remember. When they have lost their vision, we need to be their eyes. We need to remember them for who they are and who they can be. Goodbye is temporary. For in this lifetime, they will blossom all over again. This is the life of a flower and the life I am meant to live.
Hence, with broken sentences and unfinished books, my message to the world is simple:
Live like a flower.
When it's time to wilt, wilt. When it's time to bloom, bloom. Live like a flower and bring with yourself a laughter that will rip through the sky and spread with the wind like an irresistible desire.
Keep smiling like flowers,
Ish Kish Mish
July 27, 2015, 8:17 PM, Regina, SK, Canada
It took me a really long time to realize that in this life I was a very special person. In my own life and in others'. I was a person who entered your life and never left. Someone you could never afford to be fake in front of because I always saw right through you. I saw right through the million layers you had built around yourself and made you come face-to-face with your reality. From that you wanted to escape and bullshit me over and over again. But then again, I saw right through you. In front of me, there was absolutely no escape. In front of me, you had to show who you really were and let yourself be vulnerable because the only you who could meet me was the person you really were, not the person you were trying to be. Sometimes it took months, sometimes years, sometimes even a lifetime, but that was ok. If you had met me and were part of my life, some day you understood. That you'd have to throw away all the crap about who you think you are supposed to be and let yourself be who you really are. With me, you were just you. That was the power of my presence in your life.
Today I am remembering the old days when I used to scratch out what I wrote because I didn’t think it would be acceptable by others. Write, scratch, write more “carefully”. It’s weird how we don’t realize that our life is very controlled by all of this crap. Crap also known as Expectations. Some put on by others and some, ourselves. Crap! No one was telling me to erase my words when I cut them out. It was me. I wanted to get rid of them because they were simply not sounding as awesome as I thought, or just not good enough to be presented in front of others. Today, I write so carelessly. I say everything I have to, even including the fact that I don’t know what to write. This freedom on a piece of paper is somehow freeing. I don’t have to hold onto any thought anymore. On this piece of paper I can just be me. A blank slate presenting itself to me, telling me that I can simply be who I am and say exactly how I feel. I love this feeling of being accepted.
I was journalling last night. I discovered a lot of things about myself. Of how I shouldn’t let what’s gone get in the way of how I am feeling or where I am going. That time is gone and has become non-existant, simply because it is not here. It doesn’t exist today, nor will it exist tomorrow. It has simply disappeared now. Only this moment is what’s left right now. The mind does pull back into the past though. But I have to just keep reminding it that the time I am thinking about is just not here anymore. I have to let go of the shackles of what’s gone and live like a fresh new person. Like someone who just came into this world.
I was still thinking about jobs and stuff. I realized I haven’t gone back to the practice of writing things that make me smile at work. When I did that, I deviated my attention to having a good day rather than my job itself. I loved my job at that time, yes, and I don’t love it today, yes. But did I love it because I didn’t think about it so much and thought about others things, or simply because that was what I was meant to do? I think not focusing on your work all the time does deviate your attention a bit. Thinking about your job, whether you like it or not, all the time, does make it the master-focus of your life. And it really shouldn’t be the focus. Your focus should be you. Your smiles. Your life. Your laughter. Nothing else. BUT when you really don’t like something and you have to deal with it all day every day, it does dull you down a lot because that’s really all you can think about all day. It takes a lot of head space, leaving absolutely no space for anything else. So how can I deviate my mind from this crap without changing my job? I don’t feel like it’s completely possible, but maybe partially. Yes, I can still write about what makes me smile everyday at work. Yes, I can write about what made my day today – the fruit explosion muffin to be exact. Somehow when I say that, everything else seems to disappear. I feel like I had a good day. I ate a good muffin and a sandwich so I am not even hungry for lunch and have been able to take out time for writing, what a good day. When I try to conclude that, my mind sort of goes into a mess. Perhaps it’s trying to say, “Wait, no. This, this and this.” Is it worried that I will change the way I think about my days? Why is it worried? Is it too comfortable with the complaining every day? Perhaps there is a different reason. This is not where I am meant to be. I need to be somewhere I can grow and quite honestly I have realized that it isn’t here. But just because you are where you are not meant to be doesn’t mean you should leave that place immediately. Make a good plan of how to leave and do it in a way that benefits your life.
Whenever I want to write, things just pour out. Sometimes I don’t even know what to write or if I have anything to talk about at all but everything just pours out. Gone are the days when I used to think so hard about what to write. There’s so much on my head that taking it out in an organized manner is quite a challenge. I am sleepy now. I want to lay down in the park and rest for a while. I think I should do that now.