IshKishMish

There isn’t time,

So brief is life.

For bickerings, apologies, heart burnings, callings to account.

There is only time for loving,

And but an instant, so to speak, for that.

– Mark Twain

It has been a perfect day. I am writing this untitled post like so many others I have written in this lifetime. I am enjoying a set of burning candles beside me. It’s like Diwali to my right. On the left is a bit colder view. It’s raining against the windows in a slanted fashion. The windows are open so the curtains are moving with the breeze. The view is beautiful. I have been watching top auditions of Britain’s Got Talent and I am waiting for a potato to finish baking for dinner. I have had a good day. I was extremely tired when I got home and spent 1.5 hrs lying on the yoga mat positioned in such a way that the sun would fall on me and guess what? The sun bid goodbye in an instant. What an unfaithful lover! lol

I have been crying a lot. Everything seems to be making me cry. Good or bad, just everything seems to be touching my heart a little too deeply. It’s not something new though. It’s just that I hide my tears a lot. Nobody can really tell. This year, weird things have been happening. Tears are ripping through me moment after moment as if revolting and asking me why I am ashamed of them. “I am not.,” I answer. “You make me look weird and not so beautiful. Who cries at every instant?” the voice in my head asks. “I do.,” I answer. “This is who I am.” So this is me once again. A person full of tears. They aren’t really all sad though. It’s just that I can capture a moment’s feelings in an instant and it always just moves me. Perhaps that is a gift you receive with quietness… you spend more time observing than speaking and you learn to see what no one else sees.

I have stopped the Britain’s Got Talent show to write this post. I haven’t been able to come to a complete stop for the purpose of writing like I used to be able to do before. I have been writing but with a very frustrated mind. Although I have discovered a lot through that, I have always wanted to enjoy everything I do so I am a little upset about that.

I have been humming a lot and coming up with my own melodies. Sometimes I sound like a mother putting a child to sleep. I have been enjoying that a lot. When I start humming, I seem to be able to ignore everything. It seems to cut through every single worry. Like a breakthrough, it just pushes through me. It’s just indescribable.”There is peace inside me”. I get that feeling when I hum. And that peace is just pushing itself out breaking through every single worry of mine. It’s like being in an amazing place alone. Something you see in those travel videos which people spent thousands of dollars to enjoy. And yet, it’s right here within me. I can see it shaking though. I can see thoughts trying to disturb this tranquility. But no matter how bumpy, I keep riding this path. It feels nice.

I have been working on what it means to love myself and in all honesty, it keeps on evolving. There’s so much to learn. I cannot believe I have spent my entire life loving others and never paying attention to the fact I, myself, also deserve my love and attention. I have been learning to take care of myself and it’s really really hard because I have to walk through my own limitations. But I have been really happy that I am working at it. Life’s short. Even if you die today, you should have lived your life being loved. And even if you never met anyone who loved you enough, at least you did that for yourself. Loving yourself is a difficult thing to do especially when you’ve always just put others before you. But one day at a time, you realize that you can only take care of others if you take of yourself. Life’s short. Very short.

I have been thinking about time. How it passes so quickly. How we change. How we love and lose. How we run after things we want and never find happiness. How the more we run, the more we feel lost. As I looked back on my life, I realized… there’s nothing to be sad about. Everything happened exactly as God had intended. In fact, in every moment, I did exactly what I wanted to do even though at times, I didn’t really know what I wanted. Loss of anything is not a failure. It’s god’s answer to your prayers for happiness. And as tears fall on the ground and no one seems to understand, at least God does. At least God watches over you. The realization that I was never alone and never will be, is very comforting. Love is like that. It never asks for anything other than you.

I have been spending my time doing nice things for myself. Like taking the time to read a magazine, sleeping with candles nearby, eating fudge (omg!), straightening my hair and just resting under the sun. This summer is different. I haven’t been out much but I have been out to just nap under the sun lol. I love the warmth of the sun. I don’t think there’s anything in this world that’s as warm as the sun. When I looked back on my life, I realized…I liked the idea of love not because it added a human being to my life, but because I loved the warmth of someone’s embrace. So as I grew up, I decided to look for that warmth in other things. Right now I am single but I feel so warm inside my heart. Because I have spent the time to look for the warmth I need in simple things like the sun or a candle. It makes me feel warm. “I am this kind of person. A person who is never alone. Because wherever I go, warmth goes with me. Love goes with me. I am warmth and Love.”

My potato has probably over-baked by now but I can’t seem to stop writing. That’s the thing about me. I can’t stop once I start. But I have been working on taking things slowly. I have found that there’s so much joy in actually typing each letter slowly without hurting your hands and in simply looking at everything around you and pausing for a brief moment to enjoy it completely. The other day at work, I was updating the daily reports and by now, I just know all the steps so well that I just click everywhere without even looking at anything. That day I made myself look at everything, observe it for a mere second and then click on everything and omg, I was so touched by how different my experience was. I had no idea that something as boring as updating a report every single day could possibly be so peaceful and enjoyable. I realized that day that it’s not what we do that makes us happy, it’s how we do it. With frustration or with love.

The idea of Love has been astonishing me for the past 2 years. Partly because I spent a lot of time doing things for myself rather than expecting someone else to do them for me, but also because with every discovery, I started understanding how far I really stood from Love everyday.

I finally did manage to get up from my computer in the middle of writing. I had been hungry for too long and had to stop everything to feed myself. The baked potato was yummy and I also discovered that I can’t eat a whole potato by myself lol. I am continuing to write the day after.

I have been enjoying the sunlight. Recently I’ve been making time to do the little things I want to do but always put off because of “time”. I feel happier now. “No matter how small, you are part of my life.” I see myself acknowledging that. It’s not how many big things you have in your life that make you happy but how much you appreciate and take time out for the small things in your life that makes a difference. Love is like that. In front of it, there is no big or small. In front of it, everything is simply as it is. And always and always, it is enough.

I have been worrying a little too. About some things and some people. But I seem to shake these worries off easily now. They come and go, not holding me by my ankle like before. I feel myself becoming stronger. I see myself getting better at ignoring what others have to say about me. I see myself getting rooted into the ground slowly. And I know for certain that although my mind will shake me from time to time, I don’t have to. I never have to. Perhaps Love is like that. Like a surfer riding a wave so dangerously. So dangerously.

I have been becoming more comfortable in my choices. Typically, I would stretch myself in 2 different directions with 2 different viewpoints when making decisions. I still do that but not as much. It’s like I am teaching myself a lesson. For a few weeks, I was so frustrated about how to wear my hair. Let it down or tie it in a ponytail? I was so frustrated that I was changing it every few hours. I got so pissed off that I taught myself a lesson. “You want to tie it? You’ll get it! For the whole week.” From that point, every time I tried to pull myself in other direction, I told myself that I can’t because this is what I wanted. I continued to do that as long as I didn’t feel comfortable with letting my hair down. And one day, I eventually wanted to straighten it all out and just let it down. I wonder if I stretch myself in different directions because I want to do all those things but don’t let myself. I wonder if I want to skip some steps and just get to the end. And in this hurry, I feel frustrated because I just can’t ever make up my mind. It’s tiring. I am unable to be beside myself even if it’s for the things I want to do. I am unable to support my own growth in this lifetime. Every moment I am judging myself rather than seeing myself as beautiful as I am. I was a person who was unable to be beside herself at many points in life. It’s ok though. At least I know about it now so I can do something about it.

I have walked away from a lot of people. It’s not that I have found replacements for them but I have walked away from a lot. This time in a different way. Without a declaration or expectation, I have walked away from a lot. It’s not that I don’t think about them; they do come into my mind once in a while. But I don’t spend every single moment of my life thinking about them. I think about the warmth of the sun, the comfort of the summer breeze, the love around me and just the beauty of life as it is. It feels like I have ripped off a wax strip that I had kept on for too long because I was scared of the hurt caused by this separation. It wasn’t quick like a wax strip though. The pain part. It lasts way longer than waxing lol. But day after day, I worked on it. I worked on letting go as much as I could everyday. I didn’t expect everything at once but I worked with myself with as much as I could rip off. As I began to be happy with my small accomplishments rather than getting mad at why I couldn’t rip it all off in one shot, I felt much better. I don’t have to let it all go all at once. But one day at a time, I can let some part of it go. It’s like sending a small paper boat into an ocean everyday for as long as you need to. Some day, all of it will be gone and you’ll be completely free and you won’t even notice. Love is like that. It doesn’t ask for anyone other than you.

I have travelled back in life. I analyzed the far away and the recent past. I had seen people as they were once again. Some of those memories can never be erased. People in them don’t even remember them. They don’t even know that they did anything wrong. They were convinced that they were right and they continue to be convinced. Good for them. But out of those people, I had selected some and eliminated some. I had selected who I still wanted to be beside and who I didn’t want to allow to hurt me ever again. The ones you love are always in your heart. No matter how far away you are from each other, they are always just there. God is watching you and them. Even in silence, he can hear you. He knows who you love, how much you love and how much you worry. He sees it all even though humans can’t. In time I understood. People don’t always mean what they say. No, even they themselves don’t know that they don’t mean it. But LOVE, as capitalized, is supposed to see beyond what you see. It is supposed to break through your walls and make you see who you are. It is not silent; it is the worst storm ever.

I have been trying to put some effort into looking good. I haven’t ever really paid attention to the way I look. But recently, I have been trying small things like wearing eyeliner once in a while. I can’t say that it  makes me look more beautiful. It just makes me feel good – putting effort into making myself look good. I guess Love is like that. Wanting your own attention.

I haven’t completely given up on watching Korean shows. Perhaps they are windows into the innocent dreams I didn’t have a chance to live. Perhaps they have the heart and the soul I wanted at some point in life. Perhaps Love was like that. What we wanted at one point remained with us no matter how much we aged.

I have been loving my life more. Interestingly, nothing much has changed. I am single, living alone, working. Day after day, it’s just me alone (with occasional trips home). There were times that had haunted me. I had tried to make friends and that was even more boring. Spending energy on something I don’t even like (being around humans) had made me so tired that I hated myself. But I didn’t stop there. I kept looking for things to do. Until one day I finally realized…I was tired. And it wasn’t something new. This was reality since million years ago but I wasn’t able to accept it. As per society, there were certain rules regarding what a normal life is. Someone to love, someone to depend on and some people to share your life with. Other than my life, I didn’t have many of these people. And I was working hard to find them, making myself even more tired day after day. And then one day, I just stopped. I said to myself, “if you wanna rest, rest. Who says you have to make friends?” From that day on, I just stayed home and enjoyed the movies I wanted to watch while resting on my couch. I did that for months and finally felt the need to step out. I started going out with myself and did whatever I wanted to and just had fun by myself. At times I met people. I enjoyed conversations and then walked away from them. The idea of getting closer to anyone I did not like at all even if it was just friendship. Finally, I was happy by myself and I loved that. I realized that it wasn’t that I didn’t have enough, it was that I didn’t feel that what I had was enough. And by spending time with myself and investing time in making myself feel loved with my own actions, I gained something I had lost in worries, expectations and societal pressure. Myself.

So, I don’t think that there’s time. Life’s too short. So short that even tears falling on the ground take much longer than life itself. In that brief moment that you have, are you judging every single thing and person around you or are you loving them with all your heart? Are you throwing everything away every single moment or are you embracing it? Are you really standing beside the ones you love or is being right more important to you? Are you really loving or are simply spurting out what love means according to your own terms? Are you letting people around you grow or are you hindering them by making them feel bad about who they are? Once again, there isn’t time. There just isn’t. The ones you love could be gone in an instant. While they are alive, learn to be beside them. Who knows what will happen tomorrow… who knows? Life’s too short.

“When you love everything you have, you have everything you need.”

Live well,

Ish Kish Mish